Significance….

Some people argue that everything is significant, that there are no coincidences, that everything happens for a reason. No one “knows for sure” and the argument goes back and forth. About this topic I have many thoughts. My first thought usually is “who cares?” but my second thought leans toward energy, the energy of us, the universe, those around us... And maybe energy isn’t the right word. I do believe that every action precipitates a “reaction” – like the ripple effect. I throw a rock into a calm lake and the ripples fan out on and on until they reach the opposite shore, though with significantly less force. I believe that the plastic container we decide to use today will contribute to the pile of non-biodegradable “stuff” that lies, emitting gasses, just below the surface of the Earth, until it is either burnt or well, burnt up…

I believe that when we smile at someone who is having a bad day, even if they choose not to smile back, our smile may affect them in ways we will not see and brighten their day and they will in turn carry it forth and may smile at the next person who is having a bad day. I believe that everything we do has a “consequence” so to speak, in this way. Everything we do affects something or someone – whether it be our immediate surroundings of inanimate objects, or our environment (the flora and fauna) or our fellow humans…

And in that way, I do believe that our choices, what we choose to do and be and how we live our lives is very significant. Now of course free will comes into play here as well. For example someone can choose to be really mean to someone else and that can have a ripple effect of that person going home and being mean to their spouse or child – or – the recipient of mean can choose to “stop” it there – not take it personally, shake it off and “let it go”. But this too causes a small ripple effect. This effect can be seen on a personal level where the recipient of mean make a conscious choice not to embody someone else’s shit and that in itself can help both people grow, it can teach them both lessons that perhaps they were ready to receive at that time.

I am thinking about all of this because it’s important to me. I feel, and always have that I need to take personal responsibility for all of my own actions. I cannot take personal responsibility for yours but I can decide how I am going to let the actions of others affect me. For me, it’s important to act out of integrity, that’s a personal “law” that I work hard to uphold within myself. Not everyone will agree that my integrity is their integrity. Some people will like to judge that my choices are “wrong or bad” and theirs are “right and good”. I understand this way of thinking because I used to think that way as well. However, life for me is no longer black and white. It has become gradients of gray and sometimes beautiful shades of green, gold, yellow, red, sparkly silvery slivers of light. There are as many variations as there are people. We are all completely different and unique. Within thought there might not be as many absolutes as we “think” there are. Of course there are absolutes in science, which keeps us grounded, bringing us back, giving us “something” to hold onto.

I’ve had a fantastic 48 hours, immeasurable by many standards which is fine because I need not measure anything but my own choices… I need only be responsible for myself. It started with Xmas eve when I was afraid I would be “alone” and so I went to meetings. I picked up Julianna and we had our wonderfully deep discussions on the way there and back. Inside the rooms I heard what I needed to from people I judged via appearance, ever reminding me not to judge! One man had staph on his face and I ended up holding hands with him. His hands were filthy and I had seen him touching his face earlier. But instead of freaking out I thought “who better to hold his hand than me and my other friend because we can identify that he has staph and we will know to immediately wash our hands afterwards” and we did. By the way - Staph is everywhere. When Kate Rope wrote her article “Diary of a Germophobe” this year, she took swabs all over New York city from articles like pens at the grocery store to ATM buttons, shopping cart handles, treadmill handles at the gym and even her kitchen sink. She sent those swabs to Philip Tierno, Ph.D at the Manhattan to the NYU Langone Medical Center for analysis. And what was found is that lurking on just about every public surface are harmful bacteria (50% were fecal) like E coli and enterococci. Other harmful bacteria were found as well, including Staph. What this shows us is that these things are rampant. Most of us have strong immune systems that can kill these “baddies” but developing good hand washing skills is also important. One study was done where students washed their hands as thoroughly as they thought they could and then a chemical was applied that would show the bacteria that still remained under blue light. Bacteria was found under rings and in the webs of their fingers no matter how long they had scrubbed because these areas are often neglected. I won’t go into “good hand washing skills” here – you can read them for yourself in this article if you wish (and I strongly suggest that you do)……

I Love Tangents….
Back to Xmas eve… I went home and watched another episode of Season 5 of Lost and ate a little chocolate and tucked myself into bed on Xmas eve. I briefly talked to a friend online, watched for Santa’s arrival using the Santa Tracker and joked that since when he was here he didn’t deliver any presents that perhaps I was naughty this year… And I thought it would be hard for me because this was my first year – the first year in my entire life – that I had no presents to open on Christmas day. 3 years ago on Christmas day I was “stood up” for a date and I was so distraught that the only thing that sounded like a good idea was to take a lot of Vicodin and stay in bed all day, which is what I did. I never want to spend another moment in that state of complete and utter hopelessness, brought about by a third party who did not have my best interest at heart. Which brings me back to – we can’t control other people’s actions – but we can control our own reaction/s to them. I spent Christmas eve alone again this year but not lonely. I felt held and loved, warm and content.

I woke up on Christmas day in a wonderful mood full of light and love. On Xmas eve day I had received a holiday card from an old friend. A person I have not spoken to in close to 2 years because we had a horrible falling out. The circumstances were something I never thought I could forgive him for, yet I find that I have. I am still sad over the “events” but I am no longer angry. More than my sadness, I miss him. I have loved this person for so many years. I have loved every part of him. We have had many ups and downs during our 5/ish year friendship. We have dated, we have not. At times he has been my best friend and some times we went for a year w/out speaking. We have shared stories and laughter, comfort and companionship. I have felt so close to him on so many levels. I have trusted him, let my guard down, been myself. We have spent hours pondering the questions of the universe. I love that he challenges me. I admire his intelligence, his wit, his beauty. I respect him. After our falling out, almost 2 years ago, I was crushed. My anger fueled me through the first year of not speaking to him. But the second year I could not stop thinking about him. I had deleted him as my FB friend, my Myspace friend, etc. and when I wanted to see him again, just get a glimpse of how he was doing, I could not. I spent so many days thinking about him and missing him and that was OK too. It was part of the process. When his birthday came this past November I sent him an email card wishing him a Happy Birthday and he responded saying he had been thinking about me and was sending me a holiday card. The card arrived 2 days ago filled with encouraging words and the acknowledgment that he owes me an apology. I called him yesterday. I thought about emailing instead but in truth I wanted to hear his voice. As I type this, tears are falling. I know it’s partly because Mark died last year and I never had a chance to reconnect with him and tell him how important he was to me. I am so afraid this will happen again. It’s happened twice in my short life already – two important exes dead – and I didn’t reconnect with either of them before they died. So much regret. So much sadness. I don’t want this to keep happening. I want DZ to know how much he has meant to me, how much I have missed him and how I have always and will always love him. I am trying not to have expectations. We worked so well as friends that to have him back in my life in any capacity is enough, even as an acquaintance that I only see infrequently. It’s the reconnection that’s important to me. I cannot wait to see him and hear about his life, share our truths – past, present, pain, love, joys, hope.

After I talked to DZ I rushed to my local café to see my friend Brad and wish him a Merry Xmas. Now it’s not that I celebrate Xmas in a religious sense at all. I was born Jewish, though I was not raised religiously at all either. We celebrated Chanukah AND Xmas because they are both fun holidays and kids like presents. My parents were equal opportunists and didn’t fuss about this or that religion. It wasn’t religious for us at all, it was a time of fun and gifts, family and food. And I’m so grateful that I was shown this. Now I think Xmas is a bit over-rated with all the commercialism but I do respect that it’s fun for kids and I like to personally look at it as a day to be grateful for friends, family, loved ones. I don’t exchange gifts with friends on Xmas, but I do give holiday gifts to people in my life like my therapist, my chiropractor and my acupuncturist – people who “give” to me in a service oriented fashion. I learned this from my mother and I look at is as a respectful thank you. I like the idea of giving without expecting to receive.

Hanging out with Brad is always fun and I was thrilled when my friend (and hypno-therapist) Michelle walked in, beaming with light as she always does. I had only a short time as I had signed up to secretary a meeting in San Rafael. And up I ran. I feel at home in my meetings. After 18 months in the rooms I finally know almost everyone. I don’t “know know” most people but they are acquaintances and I feel comfortable with them. There are a few that I am very close to and I am so grateful to have that family. Kin that truly understands a part of my struggle and a part of my life that many people never could. Support and unconditional love (from most, though certainly not all) has been a gift. The topic I picked was “trust” which was so interesting… I’ve had a major issue with trust these past 2 years. Starting with DZ and my other 2 closest friends at the time, Marc and Anais. Then the person I dated for a year, F, who lied to me, while looking into my eyes. And as some friends and I were talking last night – once the trust is broken in a relationship, it’s basically impossible to “get it back”. Then recently, someone who I was so close to – a woman who was the cornerstone of my support group betrayed my trust and in such a way that all the other people who have caused me pain and sorrow in the past few years pale in comparison. This woman’s behavior literally “takes the cake”. It was so hurtful and outrageous that my last semblance of trust was shattered into a million tiny pieces. This was a person I shared my deepest, darkest secrets with. Yet even so, now, I realize I only have myself to blame. Again, I turn back to the fact that I am not and cannot be responsible for anyone else’s actions or reactions – I can be and am only responsible for my own. I had been blinded by my reverence for this woman and had not seen her as a fallible human being just like the rest of us. I had pedastalized her and made her into someone she’s not. In the end I realize it’s my own “fault”. I trusted the wrong person, the mistake was mine and mine alone. She was acting in the only way she knows how to act – from judgment, control and contempt. I had seen these traits in her long ago and had chosen to ignore them so again, the fault is mine. And now that a few months have passed I also see that this person is very disturbed and I have a deep compassion for her. I am confident that one day she will find her way back to the light but until that day I know it is not safe for me to be around her. Through all this - I have learned the lesson of trust – not in the negative way of “I can’t trust anyone anymore” but in the positive way of “people need to earn my trust” instead of me giving it freely. I am more leery now, wiser. Trust must be earned and just as importantly it must be given to people who only have my best interests at heart, not their bests interests. It was a hard lesson but also an important one.

And then, as thought all this wasn’t enough – I went by myself on Xmas day to see the movie “Avatar”. Again, I didn’t feel sad or lonely. I was elated. I love seeing movies by myself and hadn’t done it in many years. And what better time than on Xmas day when the theaters are packed with families and couples. I talked to the families in line, I received and sent texts to my friends, I called my Mom and Dad – all while waiting for the movie to begin. I was by myself, surrounded, immersed, embraced in love and I could feel it. I even had an empty seat next to me in the theater to put my purse, food/drinks and coat on! And then the movie – which I don’t believe I’ve fully processed yet. The message was simple yet deep and profound. It was delivered in a way that everyone will be able to understand yet not everyone will choose to accept or “get”. The concepts weren’t new though they were delivered in a new and unique way. I cried for the pain we cause one another and the horror we have instilled on this planet and nature. I felt hope and renewal. I choose to focus on the good. On my way out, still reeling from the sheer scope and magnitude of the simple message – not from the special effects, I was appalled to see that people had thrown their 3D glasses all over the parking lot and street. At the beginning of the film it was announced that they would be recycled and should be deposited in the recycling bins provided. I wanted to scream “did you miss the point of the entire movie?” And yet I realize this has been something I have “taken on” for years. Producing “Healthy Homes TV” with my business partner Diane – I have tried to tackle environmental issues met by ignorance and falling on deaf ears. I have said “people just need to be educated” – if we tell them and show them what harm they are causing to the planet – they will stop yet now I know that is not true of everyone. And I can only do the best I can to get the message out there. How and how well it is received is out of my hands once the message has been delivered. I can only hope that some of the people who go to see “Avatar” for reasons of watching sci-fi, action, special effects, will come out with the appreciation that the filmmaker is trying to instill. I can only hope that even a few will truly get this very simple, yet all important, message.

I was going to return to the 24 hour meetings after the movie but Julianna invited me over for Xmas dessert with her family. I arrived at about 6:30pm and I literally left at 4am. That was not my intention! The house was warm and inviting, the company spectacular and the dessert scrumptious. After everyone went to sleep J, her roommate’s son Lee and I stayed up talking for hours and hours and hours. We threw around a rubber ball, which was so much fun! And we talked about life, the universe and everything. In part, our conversations last night, spurred the writing of these 5 pages. Hearing Lee’s perspectives on dating, love, women, science, drugs, relationships, abstract thoughts, concrete thoughts and just about everything else under the sun that we covered was in a word (or2) “mind-expanding”. I learned more about life and even the male perspective than I have been “allowed” or “shown” in a long long time. Lee’s ability to communicate far exceeds most people I talk to, including myself. His ability to look at himself, his reasons for his actions and the way other people’s actions affect him are incredible. He is honest and forthcoming. He is highly intelligent and articulate. He went beyond the flow of “normal” conversation and enlightenment. I felt like he was transmitting information and I was downloading it. His metaphors, reasons, thoughts, and experiences far transcended anything I have heard in a long long long time. One abstract thought, “out of everything you see in this room, what I can grasp in my hand….” had a great impact on me. He used the analogy twice, for 2 different thoughts and it worked for both. I saw it in several ways. The “room” was large yet what we grasp is only a portion of its whole. It’s a tiny part, and although it may be a significant part it is only that – a part and up to us to interpret (as either part of the whole or separate from the whole)… Also – it is not concrete. The room is concrete but when he opened and closed his hand to simulate “grasping part of it” – what he grasped was empty space – molecules, thought – not tangible. Ideas of.. this or that – contained within the room. And still – the idea that we cannot hold everything, we cannot be the container – only the container of ourselves. Yet we live within a container. We are contained. I don’t know why this struck me as so multi-faceted and so significant, but it did.

There is so much more… but after almost 2 hours of writing, I don’t have the energy to put it down here. I have to get back to studying now but am so glad that I took this time to put my thoughts on “paper” – my form of paper anyway – the computer – where my fingers effortlessly transform my mind into form.



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Goodbye 2009 – HELLO 2010

I am so lucky. I know this. Not that I remember it all the time but today, again, I was reminded. I live in Paradise!!! And I have to remind myself of that too, whenever I complain about the cold and threaten to move to Hawaii. I have a fantastic “in-law” apartment, which I have to remind myself of when I get stuck on the negatives of the oven not working, the refrigerator leaking, the tub not draining, the sink dripping, the hot water only lasting for 15 minutes, a closet the size of a peanut… The good still outweighs the bad by 100 fold.

As this year comes to an end – so does a major part of my life – actually life as I’ve known it for the past 4 ½ years. I’m finally done with my masters program and I have my degree to prove it – to myself. Finishing was not easy and at times I wasn’t sure I would. I wanted to drop out, I would get discouraged, ravaged, hysterical. I threw tantrums, I cried, cut out my fun time, stopped seeing friends, stopped visiting family and mostly just sat home alone and studied. At least 80% of my time these past 4 ½ years have been spent studying, not that I’ve retained the bulk. I have learned more about myself and my processes in these past years than about the medicine itself. I feel confident that I can treat people, I know I’m a damn good acupuncturist – but in order to get here I had to give up a lot of myself along the way. Luckily I gave up parts of myself that were no longer serving me. I lost friends, I made new ones, I lost lovers, I gained self respect. I found that I don’t need anyone to complete me, ever. I am whole and strong, vibrant and beautiful. I love to give and care for others with empathy and an open heart. I get hurt and that’s OK. Being open and vulnerable is the path I have chosen, for walking this path allows me to grow in ways I never dreamed possible.

I used to ask “who am I?”. I used to say, “I want to BE this, DO that, accomplish the other, have, be seen, be loved, be accepted, held and wanted”. But now I know who I am and more importantly I love who I am. Now, though I am always striving to learn more and be a better person I no longer feel lacking, self critical, un-confident – like an awkward duckling trying to cross a busy street without its mother. I don’t need people to love me in order to love myself. I don’t need people to accept me in order to accept myself. And better yet – the people who don’t love me for exactly who I am right now and the people who don’t accept me for who I am right now are no longer a part of my life. I don’t have time for that anymore. And because I try to practice what I preach, I try to be non-judgmental of others, accepting, loving and have an open heart even when my friends are participating in behaviors that wouldn’t be right for me. Who am I to say that what is wrong for me is wrong for another person too? I’ve always felt this way but this year I learned how important it is for each and every one of us to make our own mistakes. That’s how we learn. We want to shield our children and loved ones from pain but that is not what they need from us. They need us to shower them with unconditional love and support. To stand by them when they do something that, to us, might not seem beneficial or in their best interest because we are not “the gods” and we do not truly know what their universal best interest may be. We are merely humans, caught in the same web as all other humans – living in the same dimensions, at the same moment in time. Whirling about like crazy little dreidels – who sometimes collide with one another and knock each other down. And when that happens if we take a moment to extend our hand and help the other one up; what a selfless gesture that is.

I am so happy. I am so in love with life. I am alone but I am far from being lonely. I have never felt so full and so grateful.

This year I found out that Mark Dienstag died. Mark was my college boyfriend – a man so brilliant and so amazing that life couldn’t hold him here anymore. I was able to mourn the loss of him and forgive myself for not reconnecting with him while he was still alive – out of my own fears. I feel lucky to have known him, lucky to have had a glimpse of his soul and spend a year or two of my life enmeshed with his. I have put his pictures on my desktop so that every day I can look into those amazing, knowledgeable, loving, caring ocean blue eyes and remember all of the goodness in this world. Mark represents more for me than who he was. He also represents deep loss – the loss of another person whom I have always felt was my “one true love”. Another beautiful soul who truly practiced what he preached. A soul who found love in everything he looked at, everyone he touched, everything he said and everywhere he went. A soul who died at the prime of his life, so young, but who touched every person who ever met him. Mark and Mitch will remain in my heart forever and I know for a fact that both will remain in the hearts of everyone who had the good fortune to know them.

Today as I drove home from an appointment in the morning I stopped by the beach that runs along the bay 3 blocks from my home. I took off my shoes, buried my toes in the sand and giggled at the surf. I collected rocks and shells, looked up the city with glowing eyes, sat for awhile to bemuse the water and ran when the tide began to rise. Leaping and skipping through the waves as they crashed over my legs, drenching my skirt. I picked up litter and deposited it in its new trash receptacle home. I breathed the air and thanked the land. Then, instead of heading home I stopped at the local coffee shop where my friend Brad goes every morning. I sat with him and his friends for hours, listening to stories and sipping on latte. A man I have never met before showed up. His name is Sven and his stories had me, literally on the edge of my seat. He was in the royal army, he had seen some things no one has ever shared with me before and many of them weren’t pretty but I listened in awe and reverence. Then he spoke of his travels and I don’t think there is any place this man has not seen. He told us of Cyprus and the lost city that can only be seen when diving underwater. He spoke of walking down, off the road, into the water, and into the city beneath it. He said that only locals knew where it was but he told me where to find it and I eagerly wrote it down. However, I just did a search and see that it was “discovered” and written about by non-locals in 2004. Sven swam there many years prior to that. He spoke of taking trains that no longer exist through Iran, Pakistan, Mexico and South America. He told us how beautiful Iran was and spoke of his favorite places there. He whispered magical moments in Morocco, Greece, Budapest and Germany into our ears. He lived all over. He traveled more. His eyes were blue and deep, full of memories that he strung together like those cut out paper dolls on a chain. He pointed out his battle scars and told us how he was bayoneted through the eye and down his throat. He pointed to scars all over his body and said, “I was shot here, stabbed there and beaten there.” But he wasn’t angry. He no longer harbored resentment or pain. He had lost his teeth during one battle but never his dignity nor his passion for life.

Another friend of Brad’s showed up later to talk about China and Hangzhou in the 70’s or maybe it was the early 80’s. Since I was there last April it was fascinating to hear how it was “back then”. There were no cars on the road, only bicycles and once in awhile military vehicles. No modern buildings, only one hotel for foreigners on West Lake. He went back again a few years ago to see the change and was astounded. He was able to speak so eloquently. Both his and Sven’s stories made me feel like I was right there with them.

And this is truly how my last year – 2009 – has been spent, much of it in awe. For myself, my process, school, finishing, completion, new beginnings, travel, enlightenment. Spending 5 weeks in China broadened my perspective in ways I can’t begin to explain. I started a new meditation program, meditating twice a day. I started to make time to see my friends and have had more fun than I imagined. I went to LA to celebrate my grandfather’s 99th birthday with him. Laughing at his jokes, crying for his pain, feeling his frustration. Lost in helplessness. Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is just sit beside them and listen.

I made it through the worst Burning Man ever – of my 6 years. The most painful and heartbreaking. The most devastating. The ugliest in so many ways, was also the most transforming, the most enlightening, the most enlivened. Living, growing and birthing into fruition. A mountain of dust in a desert of sand, tempting fate, calling for attention, forcing change. I upped the ante. I kicked and screamed and clawed at the dust. I begged, pleaded, shrieked, all but foamed at the mouth and in the end, gave in and accepted “what is”.

Last night I had a dream. I’m not sure how significant it is but it has stayed with me and when I keep telling it it feels very significant. For years after my separation from my exhusband I would dream about him. Sometimes it would be for nights on end and then not for awhile and then interspersed. I have gone to psychics, been hypnotized, done self reflection and meditation to find out why and what these dreams mean. The one thing that has been consistent is that they always come on the heel of change. And they always have the same “context” or “content”. In all these years, 7 ½ since leaving him, I have only had 1 good dream about him in which I “forgave” him for his part and was able to walk away feeling healthy. All the other dreams, and there have easily been over 100, have been nightmares. Either I am running for my life and he is chasing me with a weapon or I am plotting my escape or I have gone back to him and am suffering and miserable. Last night I dreampt that he was in charge of a commune of sorts. It was a healing center for naturopaths and he had started it. It was very rustic with cabins and a communal kitchen. I was sitting in a cabin with him and he appealed to me to look at all the goodness around, saying that he had created it and wasn’t it wonderful? I agreed, it was! He looked sad and forlorn for a moment and said that the only thing missing in his life was me. He missed me, he wanted me back, he would do anything. My heart lurched in an old familiar co-dependent way. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted but in that instant I put aside my wants, my needs, my intuition – which has always proved to be a detrimental decision. Then he told me of his great suffering. He had a straw stuck in his eye and he was afraid that it was going to go into his brain. To alleviate his worries I assured him that it would not enter his brain but that it must be removed immediately. I looked and there it was, sticking out of the inside corner of his left eye. A clear straw, half way embedded. I felt afraid for him and worried and suddenly all of my own personal defenses were gone. I cared only about this suffering being. He begged me to love him and help him and I told him that I did and that I would. I convinced him to leave the cabin and go toward the communal areas where the other naturopaths would be and we could have one of them remove it. He reluctantly agreed. We made our way down the dirt road, slowly and carefully. I was so afraid for him and wanted to protect him as though he were an injured child. I had my arm around his waist so he could lean on me. Eventually we came to a naturopath that lived there and I grabbed him and told him about the straw sticking out of Michael’s eye. At that moment Michael turned on me. He began to scream and shout, “I told you not to tell anyone, how dare you disobey me!!!” I looked at him and the straw was no longer in his eye. He held it in his hand and his face wore a familiar smirk. I realized he had manipulated me. The whole dream, including that moment was a slight exaggeration of much of our true-life, 17 year long, relationship. I saw the manipulation for what it was and I realized I had been had, played. I turned around and ran. I ran back to the cabin to grab my “stuff” specifically my iphone, which I had left there. At first I couldn’t find the right cabin and I became frantic and terrified. I knew he wouldn’t let me go of my own free will and I knew I didn’t have much time to escape. After looking for my things for a few minutes, running in and out of each cabin, I realized that material things were not important anymore. It was more important for me to leave with my life and my body intact so I let go of the idea of materialism and I ran to find my car. When I got to where I had parked it, it was gone. I panicked and asked the people who were standing around if they had seen it. “Oh yes”, replied one woman, “Michael said it needed servicing and sent it to the shop.” I was beside myself with fear. I ran around, not knowing what to do, terrified and upset. Then I realized that this commune was on an island and my only means of escape were to try to swim the expanse of the ocean. With that realization and without another thought, I flung myself into the water and began to swim. I felt the freedom and the knowledge that I had chosen to take my own life into my own hands once again.

2010 == I don’t know what’s next, none of us do but I know what's behind me now and I finally know, love and accept myself – all of myself. Every part that is seen and unseen. The lovable and the sticky, messy, uncomfortable parts too. Up, up and away….



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BurNiNg mAn 2009 - all is revEaled.......

The Purple Text (below) is linked to my relevant youtube videos....

The Beginning:
I didn’t think that this year my burning man experience could have been more difficult than it was last year. I was wrong. Difficult doesn’t necessarily mean bad but it doesn’t usually mean good either. My word for this year is deconstruction. I feel like I was completely and utterly deconstructed out there and now here I am, a bit of a shell from the person I was, my ego pinging off the walls, looking for a comfortable place to rest.

I saw omens from the beginning. Omens can be good or bad. On my way in I saw lots of road kill including a beautiful, white, intact coyote, lying dead in the center of the highway. I drove over him, aiming my wheels to either side so he slipped unharmed beneath the steel of my vehicle. I left him untouched but he reached out, past death to tug on my heart-strings and keep me wondering the whole week, just what the omen meant. After all, coyote is known as the trickster in mythology and as a spirit guide he imbues “survival” among other great attributes…

Stopping for an Old Friend:
I had planned to arrive at midnight, when the gate opens and had decided to leave from Sausalito (in the SF Bay Area) around 1pm on Sunday to stop for a few hours in Reno to reunite with my best friend from high school whom I had not seen for 20 years. The significance of this for me is that I had no idea why we had stopped being friends and had always been very hurt over it. I found out why and found out that it was not really her choice and I was so relieved. I also found out the answer to a very serious question that had been haunting me for 20 years, something that I was blamed for that I never did and I never knew who did it. She told me who it was which released my questions, pain and guilt. It was so significant that I actually had a really hard time even thinking about these 2 things as I drove into the gate. I was distraught over the information yet also thankful. I still haven’t been able to fully process it.

Letting Go At The Get Go: I didn’t arrive at the gate at midnight like I had planned. A friend asked me to wait for him and his friends (the people I was to camp with) and drive behind their RV and enter with them. I did. It took all night long to get in, that way. I met them at 2am near Reno and we were inside at around 7am. Hindsight – this is a hard one. After all that happened that week would I have still waited to get in, knowing in advance what was to come? – definitely not. Am I pissed I waited? Not at all. It’s hard for me to stay up all night, that kind of behavior has passed for me, long long ago. I need my sleep. I like my sleep. I don’t “party” which means that I don’t “partake” in drugs or alcohol so staying up all night is just not something I do. However, the advantages of doing so on Sunday night was that I arrived at my camp in the daylight and was able to set up my tent. Two lovely men, Gordo and Monkey Boy actually volunteered to help me set it up!!! This, in itself, was worth the wait. There have been past years that I’ve struggled with my tent, setting it up alone, reduced to crying and cursing. Another advantage was just knowing I could do it – stay up all night – with the help of redbulls – and not passing out or getting sick. And then the sunrise – ahhhhhhh, actually = AHHHHHHHHHH ☺

Temple Opulence (not opulent temple): My true love at burning man has always been the temple, except in 1996 when there wasn’t one ☺ So this year I went to the temple Monday when I arrived but it wasn’t open yet. Still it was a sight to behold. I stopped far enough away to take in the entire structure as my heart leapt out of my chest, wormed it’s way up my esophagus and sat, quite happily, perched upon my tongue.

As the temple really is where my heart is, I could hardly wait for Tuesday which meant another excursion to my heart’s desire, and perhaps, it would be open!! I literally skipped back on Tue night and hearing that it would open imminently I waited. I was one with the entering crowd. And seeing it on opening night is, in a word, amazing… before anyone writes on it, before anyone deposits their pictures, shrines, memories – the feeling is fresh and unique. I can’t explain it. But the different phases of the temple – the way it changes from opening night to the burn night is much like the phases of the moon or any cycle of change. At first it feels open, expansive, it feels like possibilities – anything could happen. And at the end it is filled with ghosts. At the beginning I entered smiling, laughing, eyes open and bright. At the end I entered beaten, dusty, heart-broken, sobbing, deconstructed. It wasn’t just me and my experiences, it was the temple itself. It’s an organism, living, growing and ever-changing – even in its death it reaches out to stroke the hearts of thousands…

Volunteering - Giving back – Philanthropy:
I volunteered again this year to be a temple guardian, which consists of a 3 hour shift at the temple, helping people process or just simply pointing them in the right direction. Both last year and this year the temple was more than one story. Last year it was 2 stories and this year it was 3 stories. Last year there was one stairway for up and the other for down. This year there were ramps to the second floor and ladders to the third. Temple guardians were stationed at the bottom of the ladders because one was for up and 2 were for down. Since some people show up drunk or on drugs and often confused, it’s nice to have people to direct the flow. A few people slipped and fell down the ladder, some people passed out at the bottom from overindulgence and others got belligerent and could not be consoled. It was interesting. I got lots of very drunk hugs and drunkened thank yous. I remember last year a very young boy on psychedelics stopped and kept telling me I looked like a beautiful angel, with dilated pupils and an ear to ear grin. This year was a tad calmer but just a tad. I like being a guardian because I am giving back. Giving back to the burning man community and to my favorite structure there.

UMLAS in the Temple:
David Umlas – the artist this year – did an incredible job. He stopped to talk to me for an hour the night I was a guardian and for some time on Sunday as well. I asked him details of how he came up with the design and why and he was very forthcoming. As a matter of fact he was so forthcoming that I feel it best not to completely disclose what he said, however I will say that he did disclose that the process for conception was organic. I asked if it was supposed to look like a lotus flower and the answer was no but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t look like one (to me anyway) or that it doesn’t look like a myriad of other things to other people. He started with a particular concept and like any good artist, the concept grew and changed and morphed and took a life of its own. And like any good work of art – the view/er can see what he/she wants to see.

More on Temple Philanthropyyyy:
One of my dearest friends Clove chose the 3am to 6am temple guardian shift for herself. One of my other dearest friends, Susan, and I decided to accompany her. Clove, unfortunately, was not feeling well and was not able to make it to burning man this year but Susan and I decided to keep our shifts because inherently we knew that Clove knew something we didn’t know. Does that sentence even make sense? And yes yes yes – insert another emphatic YES here – Clove KNEW!!! She knew that one of the most magical moments EVER is watching the sunrise from the temple and unless one is staying up all night (presumably under some kind of influence, but not necessarily) it’s not likely that one will see this. But because Susan and I were scheduled to be there, we were there and well, there we were… I went to sleep early the night before and woke up at 1am to get ready. I like to dress all in white for my temple shifts because maybe I feel more angelic or spiritual when dressed in all-white. The sunrise was beyond amazing, beyond anything I could have imagined or dreamt of. There were quite a lot of people, gathered on the second floor and everyone was mellow and keen on making room for others. The mood was somber and loving. Yet the magic became even more incredible when Susan and I started walking back to center camp at 6am and turned to look back at the temple. My jaw fell open as I watched the sun come up next to the temple and illuminate it in all its glory. Magical moments shared with an amazing friend.

The “Key Note” by Michael Christian –
A woman came up to me while I was temple guardian and asked me where the Lock and Key art piece by Michael Christian was. I hadn’t even heard of it but she insisted that it was a “not to be missed” piece. So one day I went out searching for the piece and almost missed it because I was, as I tend to do, taking the lock and key title too literally and I was looking for an actual lock and an actual key. Luckily I was with a friend who was able to spot it. And there stood a sculpture of a man – about 20 feet high, made entirely of locks. His face is a large keyhole and he is dragging a rope of keys behind him. At the end of the rope is a very large key that looks like it would fit in the keyhole of his face. When I saw the piece I burst into tears. The metaphor was almost too much for me. I say I’m “an open book” – my friends have heard this phrase fall from my lips more times than they can probably count – yet it’s not true. I lie to myself because I have built walls of protection and I don’t let many people inside. This art piece reiterated how we all do that. We lock up our insides, our hearts, our minds, our feelings and then we search for the keys – when all the while we hold them, we are the bearers of our own keys and we are the holders of our own locks. The image was soul expanding. It started a fountain of tears that did not stop until I returned home. It also opened up a new path of self discovery and self awareness – showing me what I do and don’t want in my life. I don’t want to have to protect myself from perpetrators or people who want to or try to hurt me. I want to have boundaries in place so those people don’t ever get close enough. And I want to be able to let the walls down for my friends and myself, let people in, let myself truly feel and love again.

Saturday Night AKA The MAN BURNS and so do I:
It’s funny but I’ve written this entire blog (including all the paragraphs below this one) and haven’t been able to write about Saturday night yet – I left a blank marker here to come back to. I’ll do my best now, maybe it’s time… So Saturday evening I was sitting in my friend’s RV eating delicious quinoa pasta with homemade pesto that was as good as it ever gets, no kidding!!! Immediately after dinner though I got exhausted which rarely happens but 90% of the time when it does happen it’s due to a food intolerance. I didn’t think anything of it though and went to lie down in the back. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s time so I just laid down without saying anything to anyone. There was a dust storm raging outside, which was usual fare by now, the dust storms were daily except for one day’s reprieve. About an hour later one of my friends turned on the radio to see if there was any information about the man burn being postponed due to the dust storms. The speakers must have been on maximum in the back “cabin” area because the sound was so loud it physically hurt my ears. I’m super noise sensitive anyway and I wasn’t feeling well, so with the jolting, excruciating noise I put my hands over my ears and screamed. They turned it off and then on again just as I took my hands away from my ears. I was a little confused that no one asked me what was wrong or apologized and quite frankly I was completely out of sorts by this time and I, embarrassingly, put my hands back over my ears and ran screaming from the RV and into my tent. Now I do take personal responsibility for my behavior. Yes I over-reacted. I could have tried to explain that I was sick, that I am super noise sensitive, that the noise physically hurt my ears but I didn’t. I was reactionary, as people can get when they’re sick and the only thing that made any sense to me was to get as far away from the noise as possible. I also have this “I don’t want to disturb or upset anyone” attitude. So I ran into my tent. Now the first problem with this is that my tent had been left open all day, during the dust storms and was filled with at least 6 inches of dust. Immediately upon entering I started to sneeze. But I did not want to put anyone out or ruin anyone’s night and I just wanted to lie down in peace so I donned my heavy duty dusk mask and became one with the dust. As I lay there I got sicker and sicker. After about an hour I was extremely nauseated and then the stomach cramps and fever started. I was doubled over in pain, basically wishing I was dead. I have a very hard time asking for help due to some past trauma so I didn’t ask for help right away. But I did write a little note, asking for help, on a piece of paper because I was 100% positive that within minutes my friend would unzip my tent to see if I was OK. He didn’t. I was miserable and in a lot of pain and discomfort. I’ve had mild food poisoning before, as well as major food poisoning, and determined that this is what had happened. Usually my symptoms for food intolerance are sharp shooting pains and these were intense, yet dull, abdominal cramps along with the nausea and a fever. I took some Chinese medicine I had brought and tried to sleep with my dust mask on. I was very uncomfortable. A couple hours later my friend yelled my name outside my tent. He didn’t ask if I was OK, or ask if I needed anything. He just said, “I’m going to the man burn, I’ll see ya later.” I called out for help, I was desperate. I would have walked to the medical tent but the cramps were too bad. He happens to be strapping enough that he could have carried me there and back w/out breaking a sweat but instead…. I said, “I’m feeling really sick and I’m doubled over with cramps and can’t walk” and he said, “being overly-dramatic, don’t you think?” And that was it. In all ways. He followed up with “I’m leaving, I’ll check on you when I get back” He never unzipped my tent to see if I had water. He never asked me if I had enough water. He never looked at me or checked my forehead to see if I had a fever. He did absolutely nothing. But more than that, he did worse than nothing, he belittled me, he was condescending, he was heartless, absolutely heartless. Now I’ve been left alone more times than I can count when sick. As a matter of fact, I can count on one hand when people in my past have helped me when I was sick. So though this type of treatment was familiar the sheer extent of it was new. And because I’ve been in therapy for awhile now I know I no longer have to put up with being treated like crap. The sad thing is that this friend had been rude and disrespectful to me for the past 4 days – the entire time I spent with him at burning man – yet this was the straw. When he came back after the burn he unzipped my tent, reached in, put his hand on my butt and shook me!!! He didn’t say a word. He didn’t come inside to see if I was still breathing or put his hand on my forehead to see if I had a fever. He again, didn’t see if I had water. He didn’t carry me to the RV or medical. Nothing! Worse than nothing!!! I pretended to be asleep and he just left me there. I didn’t really talk to him after that nor do I want or need to ever again. His behavior was so appalling and so hurtful that even now, a month later, I’m still reeling from it. I should follow up with the fact that this was not a long term friend, he was a newer friend, one I had met a month before burning man and he had invited me to camp with him and his friends in the theme camp I was already in. I realize now how dangerous that could be and how dangerous it was. Mentally, emotionally and health wise.

Sunday Morning – “Last Day” (hear voice from Logan’s Run) – TEMPLEEEEEEEEE:
I woke up on Sunday morning early, bruised and sad from the way I was horribly ignored the night before. I knew I had to get to the temple early, before they closed it. Last year I ran out there at 1pm and just missed going inside so this year I was determined to get out there by 9am in order to spend at much time as possible there. I was shaky on that Sunday morning from my bout with food poisoning the night before so I felt it wise not to ride my bike. I grabbed the items I needed to deposit in the temple, my extra sharpies, my desert gear and I ventured out alone. As I approached on foot I heard a song playing very loudly from an amazing looking art car. The song was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment and the singer was singing “when the sky is falling from above you and the wind is raging is from the coast and you want someone who truly loves you, I will be the one who loves you the most” – I burst into tears, sobbing and walked up to the car. There was a couple embracing on a swing and a beautiful man (my desert angel) getting out of the driver’s seat. They didn’t need to say anything to me, they put their arms around me and hugged me tightly, holding me and rocking me. The beautiful man began singing to me “I will be the one who loves you the most” as he put one hand on his heart and reached the other out towards me. I sat with them through the song while they held me as I cried. I could not have orchestrated a more perfect moment. It was as though the heavens parted and 3 angels came down to offer me unconditional love.

When the song was over I thanked them all profusely and walked into the temple to deposit my ghosts. I followed my intuition to the 3rd floor and realized as I got there that I hadn’t spent any time at all on the top floor. I walked to where my feet led me and put down the collage that my ex-husband made me when I left him, over 7 years ago, and I didn’t look back. I didn’t need or want to. Instead I walked to the other side and sat down and began to write and read what was written, watch people, listen, take photos, process and just be. I sat there for about 3 hours, yet the time passed in a flash. It seemed as though I had just sat down when the crew came up and told us that they were going to close the top floor and the middle floor and they asked us to vacate. I walked downstairs and on my way out I planted my “God box” in one of the walls. I made my way out to the front of the temple where I sat down in the dust and began looking at it from a few feet away. I remained in this position for some time when I noticed a beautiful woman smoking a cigarette and leaning up against an outside temple wall. I made my way over to her and asked her if she had an extra cigarette. She told me she didn’t because she didn’t smoke (neither do I usually) and had bummed that one but that she would love to share it with me. I sat down next to her in the dust and we shared the smoke and talked. She was from Vancouver, her name is Sherry and she was the sweetest, most amazing person. We talked for over an hour, exchanging stories of sadness and hope, love, despair, pain and renewal. At some point I looked at the dust and saw a peacock feather floating by. I reached out to grab it at the same moment a man’s foot came down upon it. He saw me reaching for it and picked it up and gave it to me. He saw my face, twisted with pain and he threw his arms around me and began to cry. I cried too. We cried into one anothers arms as he whispered “it will be OK” in my ear, over and over again. I was so floored, to be there, in the arms of a stranger (named Andrew), hearing the words I needed to hear and receiving love from someone who doesn’t even know me. I was struck again by synchronicity and how much magic the temple emanates. I couldn't get my “friend” back at camp to even care, let alone console me in my time of pain and need but here, in the middle of the desert I found that love in the arms of a complete stranger – again.

The dust storms came and went during the 4 hours I spent there. Sherry’s friend appeared and I sat with them for awhile before moving on; alone – walking through the bottom floor of the temple for my last time – savoring the magic and the memories.

On my way back to my camp the dust storms were fierce and there were times when I could not see a foot in front of me. Yet I kept my dust mask and goggles on and I kept walking, completely unafraid. I could have been hit by an art car or a bike but I wasn’t worried, I knew I was safe. As I neared center camp I realized I didn’t want to go back to my camp just yet. I didn’t want to see anyone there, I was still in too much pain. And I had been trying so many times to find my friend Brian and I had kept missing him and he had kept missing me so I decided to try one last time. And he was there, at his camp! We sat with his campmates and they fed me a delicious breakfast. It was great to finally connect with him. He showed me his very impressive hexi-yurt. I passed out some playa gifts and exchanged laughter and stories.

Philanthropy Comes to a Head or ummm, a Burn:
My final night – the temple burn in all its magic and glory – shared in the arms of my gorgeous friend Susan. I volunteered again, more temple “duty”, more temple mania, more temple fun, anything to get just one more temple “HIT”!!! Ohhh yeah!!! Hits of the temple fuel me for the entire year!!! Here goes my misty eyed diatribe…. so in past years (blah, blah, blah) I’ve had some significantly painful, torturous even, temple burns. 2004 I spent the temple burn alone after my boyfriend of 2 years, Dave broke up with me on the playa a few hours earlier. I cried, I emoted, I released, I slobbered all over the strangers around me and when the temple fell I turned around and there was one of my closest friends sitting behind me with his 2 burning man girlfriends that year. They snatched me up out of my misery and despair and took me out all night dancing which is the exact medicine I needed. In 2006 and 2007 I had friends to hold onto but I was always sad. I release someone I loved (still love) who died when he was too young, I release all the pain and sorrow of the past year. I release words, phrases and feelings into that temple that I dare not write about. 2008 I felt so alone and sad amidst a group of close friends. I like to sit up front for the temple burn, watching it blaze in all its glory. I get there early, get a front row seat and lament. In ’08 I was on my friend’s art car with a few other couples, all good friends, yet I was not in a couple. It was a cold cold night. I was far away. My mood was foul. And it was almost lonelier for me than in ’04 when I was truly alone. I watched my couple friends doing couply things – like lip locking and swooning over each other, caught in tight embraces, celebrating the ceremony, laughing at the moon. I slunk back, hidden and small until I felt I might have disappeared altogether. Eventually a bright knight appeared at the edge of the art car to scoop me up in a warm embrace.

And perhaps it’s for all of these reasons that I associate the temple burn with heartache, with men, with couples, with letting go, renewal, regeneration, hope and loss.

This year I decided to nip it all in the bud and volunteer with my friend Susan to be on the temple perimeter. Forgo the possibility of being alone, being with coupling couples, wondering about this or that. And I am so happy with the decision I made that I will most probably do it every year that I go again. We had to get there almost painfully early and that too proved to be wondrous. Meeting new people, talking and laughter. I was able to place items into the temple for people who had arrived too late to do it themselves. I was entrusted with some very beautiful, meaningful pieces and carried them into the temple with Susan and sat them down lovingly and ceremoniously for their owners. Then Susan and I sat together in the inner perimeter and watched the burn together, leaning against one another for support – in awe of the beauty and regalia. Before it fell a very amusing man in a bunny costume tried to break through the “protectors” (us) and run toward the burning splendor and some temple angels chased him down and tackled him. He was running and zig zagging and waving his arms in mock exaggeration, adding a tickle to the magically somber scene. He did it a few times until eventually the crowd surged forward and we stepped aside for them to pass. In years prior I too had rushed forward and upon reaching the inner sanctum – which is as close as you can get to the fallen temple fire without actually getting burned I would circle with the group of thousands, three times around the pulchritude. This year was different. This year some of us were trying to circle while most others, I assumed them to be burning man virgins, sat up front barring our way. I found my mood turn foul and I began to complain to those around me who were trying as best as they could to circle. Some people agreed that this was “not the way it was supposed to be” while some laughed and others just stared blankly past me with glazed drug induced eyes. One guy told me that “obviously these people had not read on the internet what you were supposed to do after the temple fell!”. I laughed inside because I have never read on the internet what I was supposed to do either, I have, in the past just followed the crowd – finding solace and charm in the ritual. And with that thought I began to question – everything. Why does it HAVE to be a certain way? Why can’t each and every person have their own experience and do what they want to do? Experience it however they choose? When is following a crowd ever good?!? And in that moment of strife I learned another lesson. I always think of myself as a person who breaks barriers, who thinks outside the box – and often times I am, but other times I’m not. Proving again that I, like all of you, are not always one thing. We are organically changing, evolving, in motion like the water. Not stiff and unmovable like a steel rod.

Epiphanies - The End - The Beginning of the End:
Deconstruction – of the ego. It’s called by many names. Dark night of the soul…. Walking through the fire, that’s what I feel like I’ve done. Willingly. Knowing I would be burned. Coming out the other side. Charred, scarred, ready to grow new skin. Starting anew, fresh and empty. Ready to be filled. Ready to let go of my preconceived notions about myself and the ideas that my “family” has for me – their ideas of right and wrong, good and bad. I cannot and never have been able to live up to their expectations. It’s time to stop trying.

If I had any idea of what my experience at bman was going to be like this year before I went I never would have gone. Yet I’m so glad I did go. I needed to be deconstructed. I needed to have my fears laid out in front of me. I needed to meet and spend time with someone who did not have my best interests at heart. I needed to need. I needed to find my voice and stop being afraid to ask for help even if it meant I was turned down, again. I needed to go out into the desert and find the answers to my heart. Find what I was searching for, find that unconditional love from complete strangers. I needed to be held in the arms of strangers and feel free to cry and expose my core. I needed to release.

This year was about being alone, in the middle of 40,000 people in the desert and looking back, last year was about the same thing. The difference was that last year I felt lonely and this year I never did even though I spent a large amount of time alone. Not feeling “part of” is OK now because I am a part of the whole. I don’t have to belong to a clique or a group to belong to life. I have only to show up for myself. I have a fantastic support group, great friends who are there for me. Who needs more? I show up for me, I am there for me. I love my imperfections, my flaws, my open, caring heart. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of getting hurt because I feel now that I can see better and know how to “pick” those who are supportive and kind instead of those who are stuck and have a need to devalue others in order to make themselves feel better. I no longer feel like I am coming from a place of “needing”. There are things I want and those are the things I will go after in the future. In the present I am doing exactly what I want, right now, for me.

My other big lesson this year is that I will listen to my intuition. My intuition is ALWAYS right yet in the past I have not listened to it. It’s funny, this. Every time it happens again I feel like I am bashing my head against a wall but this time I feel like laughing. This time I am going to honor it. So much has led me here. A class I took with William Spear over a year ago where we learned about our destiny number in our 9 star ki. It was a weekend class and I sat for hours mesmerized, listening to everyone’s destiny number and in the end my “one word”, my “destiny” was my “intuition”. And I was told that until I followed it completely I would not be living to my full potential. And even then, knowing it was true, I fought it – with self doubt and self loathing. Yesterday one of my patients told me again how intuitive I am and told me again that I must follow it. The path. I can no longer expect others to lead me there, to keep showing it to me. The path was overgrown with brambles, I have cut them back now. It was covered with snow, I forged a new path. It was lost in the dust and I moved forward, blind, yet feeling my way. When I listen and follow, the truth is shown. I trust now in myself and my truth. My heart feels strong and vibrant. I have learned again to love myself…

My metaphors:
o I feel like my ego was torn from my body, shaken repeatedly until it became flattened and then hung on a clothes line to blow freely, unobtrusively, in the breeze.
o I feel like I walked through a scalding fire and my skin/soul was burnt off.

“When you forgive your imperfections and you‘ve auctioned all your clothes and you look to see your true reflection – you will be the one who loves you the most” – Brett Dennen


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bEfORe bURniNgMaN 2009

Almost playa bound again. This year I’m doing things differently. This will be my 6th year, though not all in a row. My first was 1996, then I did not go again until a friend sponsored me in 2004. Burning man, for me, is always a wild ride. It’s always different and it’s never what I “expect” so best not to have any expectations at all – ah if it was only that easy…..

I leave a week from tomorrow. It’s funny because I had decided not to go. Well actually I had changed my mind a few times…. After last year I was unsure since I had such a “mixed” time. Then I decided not to go and I was steadfast and adamant in my decision. But after a little run-in with my heart (where it got trampled and torn) I remember standing at my screen door one night and smoking a cigarette (which I only do in severe times of strife), looking at the full moon and talking to Pan when suddenly I got this strong nudge about “going home” to the playa and letting it all go there. I got the feeling of comfort when I thought about being in the desert and I got the feeling that this was where I belonged and I needed to do it for “ME”. It was one of those life defining/changing instances/moments. The next day I found a ticket on craigslist and bought it. That was in May.

I thought it would be best to go this year without buying anything new. I always say that for me, burning man is my walkabout. I go out into the desert and what I need to learn finds me. For me, it’s a spiritual quest and not about costumes or partying. So when my friend Brian asked me to go burning man shopping with him I acquiesced thinking that I would merely be accompanying him but not purchase anything myself. So much for thinking…. I ended up with some fabulous playalicious clothing after almost admonishing him for even spending money on costumes. And in the end, the truth is, I spent more and bought more than he did! And it was so much FUN!!!!

I have also decided to go with an entirely new camp this year, which is scary for me. I have been with Big Puffy Yellow for many years out there and I know them and I feel safe with them. They are my friends, they are my peeps. However, last year I went clean (and sober) and being around people who are partying was a very different vibe when you’re not. After a few days I began to get annoyed and retreat into myself. I even slept through the man burn, which is fine because that’s my least favorite night anyway. So this year I decided to join up with other clean (and sober) folks at Anonymous Village. I made this decision as soon as I made the decision to go again this year, in May. I contacted the people and started talking to them but I realized I would be going to and staying in a camp where I really don’t know anyone. Exciting and scary. Then at an event about a month ago I met a wonderful woman who is camping in the same camp. A few weeks later I met another person and now I feel like I have a little safe family ☺ They’ve asked me to camp near them and I’m really honored.

Part of what kept me going back to Puffy Yellow, besides the amazing people, was the fact that everyone cooks one meal during the week and so all our food, basically, is provided. We donate funds and bring the food for the meal we cook but the rest is just “done” and I like that. I don’t want to have to worry about cooking while I’m out there. We have a sink, a shower, everything. And this year, when I decided to go with Anon V. I realized I would have to cook all my own meals which I also realized was a small price to pay…

Fears – for some reason I get fearful around burning man. I know lots of other people who do too. One year, 2006, I had decided not to go and then a week prior I started having nightmares that I was there and I could not breathe because there was too much dust and I was suffocating. I woke up from having a series of these dreams, 3 or 4 nights in a row, and bought my ticket. Why? Because I like to face my fears. Last year too, I had nightmares before going. This year was different. When I decided to go I started having a series of really good dreams about going and these dreams actually lasted for 2 months. What are these fears from? For me it’s the environment. I hate the dust, I hate the heat, I hate loud music, I hate crowds and I love burning man. Maybe it’s when all these elements are brought together? The environment is so harsh yet there’s nothing else like it. I’ve thought about foregoing burning man to attend Lighting In a Bottle instead, which is a music festival (burning manesque) that takes place in a forest but its not burning man! Burning man is about letting go – the fires and the harsh element is a big part of what it’s all about for me. Burning man is finding myself in the midst of chaos and order. Not being able to control any outcome. Flowing. Finding my way. Getting lost. Picking myself up. Crying. Laughing. Meeting new friends. Connecting. Growing. Changing. Opposition. Enlightenment.

And lastly, each year when I leave I cry. I cry as I walk to my car, looking back longingly at my house and saying out loud “when I return I will be looking at you through different eyes.” There have been years when I have cried while driving all the way up to burning man. What is this about? This has been about the changes that occur for me while I’m there. I have never returned from a burn the same person I was when I left. And so much of my cathartic crying and drama has been the process of letting go. Crying for the me that will no longer be.

And as a lovely woman told me 2 years ago – “yes you will return a different person but you will return a BETTER person”. And that has always proven to be true.


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Hostel Information - Mainly focused on China but good all around hostelling info none-the-less

Book it in advance – via email or phone (they fill up quickly)
China approximately - $3 for a shared dorm room (4 or 6 beds) and $22 for a single; $20 for a double.

Ask hostels for all your information:
o They will translate everything into Chinese for you
o They will tell you where to go for travel: trains, planes, etc.
o They can help you with anything and they are fluent in Chinese and English
o You can lock your laptop up downstairs
o They have computer kiosks you can use for free in the lobby
o They can book hostels for you in other cities
o They have “sister hostels” in suzhou, shanghai and other cities

NOTE -- In Hangzhou there are 2 train stations - the train to Guilin is not at the "common" one - always show your actual ticket to the taxi driver or hostel to get instructions or be taken to the correct station!!!!

DO NOT BOOK ANY HOSTELS THROUGH ONLINE THROUGH HOSTEL.COM – you will be charged an outrageous fee after you have paid with paypal (they add on like $25 w/out telling you first). However Hostelling International has a website - http://www.hihostels.com/ and although I have no idea if they charge to book through them they do offer the hostels direct email addresses and phone numbers so you can book directly yourself. I also recommend becoming a member of Hostelling International (you can do this at any hostelling international hostel – most that I’ve recommended are such) and then you get discounts on your bookings elsewhere.

If you bring your computer pay for skype international calling. I put $10 on and was able to talk to US for @8 hours with money left over. You can also use skype to book your hostels if you can’t find emails for certain ones.

Hostel for Hangzhou:
Mingtown – I booked via email:
mingtown@foxmail.com
Tel:086-0571-87023002
Address:No.101-3 Nanshan Rd, Hangzhou,China

Guilin: - if you are looking to get to the countryside outside of Guilin……

The train ride from Hangzhou to Guilin is around 20 hours, be sure to get a sleeper. You can get a hard or soft sleeper. We tried each one and both are fine but the soft sleeper is more private. If you get a hard sleeper try to push your way to the front to get a bottom bunk (elbows to the ribs - are not only permitted, they are required). The hostel can write this out for you in Chinese (soft or hard sleeper and looking for a ticket to Guilin, etc.)

You get into Guilin via train very late at night and will need to stay in a youth hostel. The closest one to the bus station is Called flowers - -- http://www.yhaguilin.com/
It’s cheap but book ahead of time. I booked a week ahead but people were turned away when we got there that hadn’t pre-booked.

You will have to show your passport at every place you stay so always have it with you.

NOTE -- In Guilin there are 2 bus stations, one is a few blocks (on the same street) from the other

Outside of Guilin, Yangshou – the countryside
The Giggling Tree" - http://www.gigglingtree.com
This was my favorite place of everywhere we stayed and they offer dorm rooms, singles or doubles as well.

Once you arrive at the bus station in Yangshou you go to the street and take a right and the cabs are ½ a block away. Do not take a ride from any scammers on bikes or unmarked cabs here. We took a tuk tuk thing back from West Street one night and that was fine although very bumpy and we negotiated the price first. They will charge you 40 kuai to go to the Giggling Tree from the bus station but it only costs 30. And when you go back to the bus station you will only have to pay 30 each time. All the cab drivers know where the Giggling Tree is.

No need to do the touristy thing of going down the Li River on the expensive raft from Guilin. Instead take the bus to Yangshou (be sure to go to West Street at night in Yangshou), take a cab to the Giggling Tree and then they will help you take a bike on a bamboo raft down the Dragon River and give you instructions on how to take a bus back up to a tiny town (on their map) and then hike or take a bamboo raft to the town of XingPing (my favorite town!!!). It’s MUCH CHEAPER this way and much less “touristy”.

If you miss the last bus from Xingping back to Yangshuo, you can stay at a hostel (The Old Place Youth Hostel) in Xingping, which looked really cool!! And remember if you need info (like what time the last bus leaves and where to catch it) you can ask at the hostel – or any hostels – their email address is: topxingping@gmail.com

Other information:

Side trips from hangzhou:
o Tongli
o Suzhou
o Shanghai


If you go to Beijing the hostel is “Saga” - Tel. 86 10 65272773
yhachina@yahoo.com.cn

If you can get a phone for local calls in China, do it – it took me 5 hours to get one (China Mobile) but it was the best investment I made. If you have a phone that you can swap the sim card in you can do it that way.

Watch out for scams. Cab drivers that don’t use the meters and try to get you to overpay. The not main train station in Hangzhou is known for this. You have to find the cab queue on your way back to the city (if you arrive in Hangzhou from here) and it should cost like $6 or less but the scammers will try to get you to pay $14.

Other hostel information:
I was looking for a hostel to stay in in Hawaii and there was only one that came up on my internet search. I read the reviews (a must) and found out that there were a lot of problems reported here. As a matter of fact 9 out of 10 people who stayed there had a horrific experience. As I read the reviews I found that someone who had reviewed this hostel recommended another one – that did not come up on any other internet searches. Needless-to-say I’ve booked my stay at the other hostel. ☺ This is just an example of the complete one might have to do to travel well and safely.

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China unabashed…

So I realize there are a lot of things I want to say about china and my experience there that I’m not for fear of offending someone… but what good does it do to hold my tongue? It doesn’t benefit myself. It doesn’t benefit others who are thinking of traveling there. And my friends including my American Chinese friends and my Chinese Chinese friends have encouraged me to speak my peace. So here goes…

I was shocked at the prejudice against white people. I experienced this prejudice first hand. I’m not saying that everyone was prejudice, of course not everyone is everything and in this culture, like in America, there is some of this and some of that. Being Jewish I have experienced prejudice before but not because of what I look like. I can walk down the street and no one knows I’m Jewish. In my past I’ve experienced prejudice when people find out I’m Jewish but it’s far different to be treated poorly based on what you look like, or don’t look like, alone.

So here are some of the things I experienced… the most outright form was when my friend and I were leaving China and we were at the airport. On our way into the airport they made us put our baggage through an xray machine. We noticed, immediately, even after the 16 hour flight, that they did not require the Chinese couple before us or the Chinese couple after us to put their baggage through the xray machine but I thought that was because we were coming from the US and they were merely traveling from Hong Kong. So on our way out there is no xray machine. This xray machine is for people arriving only. We follow some Chinese people out and they walk by the “in only” xray machine but we get stopped. We are told to put our suitcases on the machine. Now at this point I have 2 suitcases that are almost as big as I am and I cannot lift them at all. Yet I am motioned to do just that and put them on the machine. I struggle, alone, with my suitcases and have a really difficult time getting them on and off the machine. The “security” people there do not offer any help. While our bags go through they turn away from the monitors and they begin to laugh. That’s when it becomes obvious that they are doing this only to inconvenience us because we are white and it’s funny to them. Afterwards Jessika points out that the xray machine was not being used for anyone else who was leaving because it was a machine for arrivals only.

When I was in Shanghai I had the golden opportunity to hang out with some friends. One of them is Australian and his girlfriend is Chinese. He has lived in Shanghai for 3 years and is fluent in Chinese. We went to a restaurant that he goes to often with his girlfriend Hong. They always order the same things from the menu. This night there was a new waitress. My friend, Kristian, ordered his usual fair but the waitress got scared, genuinely scared, when she heard him speak Chinese. He would order a dish and she would get this look of absolute terror in her eyes and shake her head no and then look at Hong who would order the exact same thing using the exact same tones and the waitress would nod her head yes and write it down. This happened every single time that Kristian ordered something. I was confused and I said, “what’s going on? Hong is saying the exact same thing as you are in the same tones!” and that’s when Kristian explained “white fright” to me. And yes, it’s a real thing in China. When a white person speaks Chinese they cannot hear or understand you. I experienced it myself but thought, of course, it was me saying something wrong – but it wasn’t. I would say something in Chinese and the person would shake their head and act like they didn’t understand me and then I would look it up in my phrasebook, point to it and they would say it in the exact same tone I had used. One of my friends, Jasmin, who is Swiss and has lived there for a couple of years said that if you speak forcefully sometimes that works but who knows… I tried everything, I watched a bunch of my “white” friends try everything and most of the time nothing worked.

One night I went out to dinner with Kristian and Biggi – both white guys who speak fluent Chinese. While they were ordering and talking to the waiters the entire restaurant was watching them with their mouths hanging open as if they had never seen a white person speak Chinese before and this was in Shanghai!

And then there’s the money thing. Whitey is seen as a walking wallet. But even if you are white and speak Chinese you don’t get charged as much. For example, I bought an umbrella and was charged $3 but when Kristian bought an umbrella off the street while it was raining, and spoke Chinese, he was charged $1. When they saw me coming they would up the price 3-5 times as much because I am white. Now part of this I actually understand. It’s thought that white people have more money and even though I’m a broke student I might indeed still have more money than most of the Chinese people I encountered in China, but does that make it right?! I think not. I think if there was a level of honesty and sincerity and not “a different price depending on your color” I would have felt a hell of a lot better about paying more for something. Like in America where there are sliding scales for things – like medical expenses. I believe that most people can be trusted to be honest enough and yes I know that sometimes I am in the minority believing that and that’s OK with me.

Oh and wait, there’s more… the pushing thing. Not only do people push and shove in China, when you fall they jump out of your way and watch you with amusement. I fell down an icy staircase on the top of Huangshan (Yellow Mountain) and everyone jumped aside. No one asked if I was OK. No one extended their hand to help me up. No one seemed to care at all. When I was at the train station I got pushed down a staircase. Again, no one stopped to see if I was alright or stopped to help me up or anything. As a matter of fact they kicked me because my sprawling body was in their way.

So there you have it, just a few of the things I encountered during my 5 week stint in China. Of course many people were nice, especially one-on-one and I made friends there that I hope to keep for life. Many people smiled, most people stared and lots of people wanted their photos taken with us non-Chinese folks – but there is a lot of prejudice that I personally can’t overlook or ignore and why should I.

** OK I just uploaded a video of me eating a scorpion in China to youtube and the first and almost immediate comment that was posted was in Chinese - 太恶心了 – and that translates to “too disgusting”. I could not stop laughing. Is this guy serious? I ate the scorpion IN CHINA! And yes, I did open my mouth and show the ABC scorpion, which could be considered either totally gross or totally funny. But how, I ask, is that more disgusting than a culture where people are constantly spitting in the street, picking their noses in public or pooing outside of the toilet? Far be it from me to understand cultural differences or mores. One person’s poop is another person’s rose garden – oh hey, that actually makes sense – in a fertilizer kinda way… ;)

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China - Haggling (with an adjunct on eating for cheap and the 2 MUSTS to bring to China)

OK so the secret to haggling is – you can’t want it.

If you don’t want it, you hold all the cards. The best deals I got were when I didn’t give a flying F if they sold it to me or not.

Here are some examples:
I walked into a scroll shop on HaFeng Street in Hangzhou and I didn’t want to buy anything. But the sales lady was good. She had my number down, as a matter of fact I found out later that this exact sales woman said the exact same thing to many of my other friends and sold them all scrolls too. She was persistent. She followed me around the shop. I told her I didn't want to buy anything and she said, “that’s fine but if you did, what would you want to buy?” So me, with the untimely good taste, pointed to the most expensive scroll hanging on the wall and I said, “that one”. She raised her eyebrows and exclaimed that I had very good taste and that that scroll was one of a kind painted by a very famous artist. I said I understood and didn’t really want it but that it was the prettiest one there, in my opinion. She asked me how much I would pay for it. The price was $300+. I said that I could not offer a fair price and so I would rather not offer anything at all. But she insisted, she pushed, she cajoled, she was seasoned! I thought about it and decided that really all I could afford was $30 and even that was pushing it on my proposed budget. Plus, I DIDN’T EVEN WANT THE DARN SCROLL! So she laughed and said, “Oh nooooo, it is worth much more than that. And you are so beautiful, you should have that scroll. Can’t you offer a little bit more?” Yes she really did use the beautiful line and afterwards she proceeded to use it again and again and again. Plus she used the exact same line/s on my other friends who entered her shop on different days. She asked if I could pay $200. I told her I was sure the scroll was worth it (boy was I wrong and trusting) but that I could not afford to pay that much. I tried to walk out but she grabbed me by the arm. “Please make me an offer I can work with!”, she begged. Then she added more compliments. She was buttering me up but it was only my 1st week in China so I had no idea what was going on and I believed her. I kept trying to leave and she kept grabbing my arm and begging me to come up with another price. The truth was that I could barely justify spending $30 so I was definitely not going to go higher than that and so I just kept saying $30. I told her I understood that it was worth more and that I was sorry but I didn’t really want it. She kept going down in price. $150, 100, 50… Finally I laughed, shook my head and walked out of the store and she came chasing me down the street. “OK, OK, for you only I will sell it for $30 but please do not tell anyone else. This is our secret. A secret, you understand?” I said I understood. She asked me to please send my friends into her shop but asked me to promise not to tell them how much I paid for the scroll. She kept saying, “I believe you” which is the moment I realized – I’d been had…

Much later in the trip I was talking to some fellow students and one of them told me that she bought a scroll at a shop on HaFeng and got a very good deal but she couldn’t tell me what the deal was. I started to laugh and said, “you’re so beautiful, it’s our secret, I believe you.” And she turned white (whiter than she already was) and then we laughed together because we’d both been had. And I did end up walking by that shop again, since I stayed in Hangzhou for a month, and I did see the exact “one of a kind” scroll that I had bought hanging up on the wall again with a $300+ price tag.

But for awhile I had actually thought I had gotten a great deal! This was before 2 of our classmates went to a little town near Shanghai called Tongli which sounds like a place that EVERYONE should visit!! So my friends were in a scroll shop and one of them bargained a scroll down to $4. YES, that’s correct – FOUR DOLLARS. I grilled my friends. What did it look like? What size was it, etc. And it was one of the scrolls I had wanted to buy as a gift for a friend.

So a few weeks later I found myself in Yangshuo, in the GuangXi provence, outside of Guilin. I was on West Street, which I highly recommend and I wandered into a scroll shop. I see the scroll that I want to buy for a friend only I realize that I don’t really like it as much as I had previously. I ask if there are any others with a similar theme. I can’t remember the asking price, maybe $30 or $50. I tell her I’m only willing to pay $6. She says “no way” but doesn’t stop helping me. She searches and searches for something unique and finally she finds it. It’s a scroll I have never seen before and unfortunately (for me) I want it for my friend and I am willing to pay for it. It is obviously hand painted and it is completely unique and I have no doubt that if there are others, they are few and far between. It is not fancy but it is exactly what I want for this person, it is perfectly right in so many ways. I offer her the $6 but now she knows I want it. She says she will “ask her father” which is something the other lady at the other scroll shop did too – it’s a tactic (good cop/bad cop). Of course her father says no (though I doubt she even asked him). “He says it’s too valuable”, she says. She tells me she cannot sell it for less than (whatever price here) and it’s more than I want to pay so I thank her and leave. Then I go into the scroll shop next door and I see the first scroll and the lady comes up to me and asks me how much I will pay for it. I tell her I don’t want it, that I’m just looking. She says, “you are in China, we bargain here, it’s part of what we do, offer something!” So I offer her $6. She laughs and says, “that’s not bargaining!” I explain to her that I’ve been in China for over a month now and that I don’t really want this scroll and that I have learned a thing or two. She thinks I’m funny and she haggles and haggles and I refuse to go any higher because I don’t really want it. I start to leave and she chases after me and says “fine, fine, I’ll sell it to you for $6.” I go back to the first place and buy the more expensive one as well. There’s something to be learned here…

So this is how I made my way through China. When I went to visit my friends in Shanghai I said, “well what does it matter if I pay $5 or $1 for a shiny bauble? If I can afford the $5?” And it was explained to me that I was being completely had. The bauble cost them .10 cents and so even a dollar is a huge profit. And if I pay $5 then the next foreigner will be overcharged too and that’s how it keeps going and it’s not fair. I am doing other foreigner’s a disservice by overpaying and not bargaining. And so that’s what I did. I bargained. I bargained a pair of socks down from .43 cents a pair to .23 cents a pair! It took close to an hour but I saved .20 cents. At first bargaining was fun and new and then it became tiring. I would want something and then I would start to bargain and I would get tired and not want it anymore. I began shopping at department stores where things were on sale (for cheap) and I couldn’t bargain. I bought coats (wool, velvet) for $10 each. I bought gorgeous dresses for $5 each and the list goes on.

My friend and I had a little game we would play. When we saw something we loved we would scowl and shake our heads no so they wouldn’t know we wanted it. I can’t say for sure that this worked. All I can say is that when they see that you really really want something they have you. But if you tell yourself at first that you don’t really care about anything and it’s all just material stuff anyway and understand and believe that having it will not change you in any way then you can bargain for things and you will have a better chance.

In the end I bought a huge new suitcase there – for $30. And I filled it up with all the shiny baubles, clothes and acupuncture equipment I could get my hands on. I came back with a new wardrobe, shoes that smell so badly like chemicals that I have to keep them outside, and tons of gifts and tea for friends. And for all that “stuff” - in the end, I didn’t spend much money after-all.


An adjunct – eating for cheap –
I ate off the carts on the sidewalks. I ate from the holes in the walls. People say not to but I did and it was cheap and it was good. Though I did get my Hep A and B vaccines before I went. A huge meal cost .75 cents and filled me up for an entire day. Towards the end though, nothing tasted good anymore and the MSG headache was almost too much to bear. When I went out for a super fancy meal at a nice restaurant I spent $10 and that was a lot of money to spend on a meal there!!!


****Oh and just in case I hadn’t mentioned this before the 2 most important things to pack for China are travel packets of tissues and hand sanitizer. And these are the 2 more important things to carry on you at all times as well. They have no toilet paper or soap in the bathrooms.


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China - A retrospective

Written 5/8/09

It’s been 3 weeks today since I returned from China and already so much has changed. My entire consciousness shifted during the 5 weeks I was there and I realize now that I’ve returned a different person. My initial reactions when people asked me how the trip was were very very negative. I think that in part, it was due to my circumstances there but also in part it was due to the time frame in which everything occurred. The amount of time I spent there, the amount of time I spent in Hangzhou, being in classes and clinic 5 days a week instead of being able to sightsee and meet people and not having a “real” break from school between quarters.

Since I’ve returned I’ve lost 2 friendships that were very important to me. I have a hard time losing friends. I get attached to people and as my therapist likes to say “I trust people too quickly” so I often get hurt or disappointed or both. These 2 people did not go to China with me, they were people I was becoming very close to before I left for China and people that I spoke to very frequently while I was there. When I returned a few weeks ago they both greeted me with open arms. They were warm and friendly and kind. Then one decided he no longer wanted contact with me and I agreed but the other one, his friend, just stopped returning my phone calls, texts and emails without a word. Maybe she isn’t even conscious of it but for me, it really hurt. And now, I have to let them go. They aren’t trustworthy. Maybe they will be again one day but I am trying to live in the present and for now I have to let them go.

China taught me mostly about myself. I was speaking to one of my supervisor’s last night and she said that the reason she liked China when she went there was because it was so different from anything she ever knew. And I can only agree. As one friend said to me before I went and my supervisor last night said the same thing – it’s like getting in a spaceship and going to a completely different planet. And I think I wrote that in another entry because it’s sooo true. And I felt as though I was looked at as an alien too.

I also realize that everything is about perception. As one of my friends in China says,”there are good China days and there are bad China days”. But that could be said about life in general, there are good days and bad days. In China, however, I personally seemed to have more bad days than good ones – which is completely out of character for me. I’m an eternal optimist. Even when I’m sad and down I’m smiling. I like to joke that I’m always in such a good mood that sometimes I even annoy myself. But in China this was not so. I go through life having 90% good days and happy emotions and 10% bad ones. In China, my overall experience was 60% bad and 40% good. I also like to use percentages a lot ☺

I don’t feel like I need to write why it was bad for me. Many people know, I haven’t been shy in stating my point of view, but I don’t want to harp on the negative – that doesn’t do anyone any good. Instead I’d like to focus on the positive and remember what was so incredible about China. It’s completely different of course. I could get lost in a supermarket for 3 hours looking at all the cool and weird things. I’ve noticed that when people travel we like to focus on the differences and not the similarities. We say things like, here it was totally different due to this or that or – we would NEVER do this or that back home. And I find that I’m no different. Maybe that’s what makes this all so unique, the differences… But you also get used to them and eventually they seem normal.

Like the day we arrived I was sitting in a cab white knuckled holding onto my seat for dear life!!! There is absolutely no way to explain how people drive there but there’s a great youtube video that does the job but I can’t find it but I found this one -- anyway the point is that I feared for my life for the first week or two and then, I didn’t. They didn’t drive any differently after the first week or two but my fear lifted or my comfort level increased or both.
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Shanghai - Written 4/5/09

Shanghai

There were a few things that summed up China for me today… I was riding on the underground subway and I was the only non-Chinese person on the subway. Most of the time I’ve been here I have traveled w/other white peeps or there have been a few tourists around (especially the West Lake area) but not today. I was alone and I stuck out like a sore thumb and it was really cool. I put on my earphones and listened to some music and I was in a bubble looking out, it was strange. People stared and children pointed at me and whispered to each other and giggled. I stood the entire time even though every now and again a seat or two was available. People would scramble to get the seats, they didn’t stay free for long. And then I looked around and noticed a man with one leg missing and I wondered why no one was offering him a seat. My confusion tripled when he hobbled by me and I saw that he also had a very young child strapped to his back. He was the only one on the entire subway that looked me in the eyes, nodded and smiled at me. And as he made his way down the isle, not waiting to get off the train, still no one offered him a seat. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to understand this.

When I went to a friend’s house and he made me lunch, I helped him cook – my first home-cooked meal in China! And when he gave me my bowl of food I waited to eat it but he said, “go ahead and start” and I said, “no I can’t, that’s not polite, I’m waiting for you”. He laughed as he sat down with me saying he has been here for so long he had forgotten that, the politeness factor. Another friend commented on the same thing as I waited for him to get his coffee. He said, “why don’t you go sit down with the others?” and I said, “that’s not polite, I will wait for you” and when the group of us sat outside talking… Duncan is from the UK, one of the other guys is from Barcelona and Biggi is from Iceland… Duncan commented on how he’s been here so long – over 20 years – that polite has left his vocabulary and radar completely.

It was so nice to hang out with friends. Sam let me stay in his home for 3 nights. I was supposed to stay for 2 but I’ve been having such a good time with these guys that I wanted to stay an extra day to sight-see. And that’s what I did today.

Yesterday I spent getting to know people and hanging out with them talking. I found out today that we were in the French Concession and I was ga ga over the area but didn’t know where we were. There was a really cool bookstore where the books were in English. At night Biggi and I met Kristian for dinner and the place/food was fantastic. We got out too late to see the lights down people’s square to the bund plus it was pouring rain but they were troopers and walked me all the way to the bund anyway. It was too late when we got there and too overcast/hazy to see anything.

This morning I decided to sight-see and Sam wasn’t feeling well enough to go with so I went on my own. I wanted to see old architecture and ended up in the amazing part of the city where the architecture and the feel and look and the life was exactly how I imagined it would be only more so. I’ve never seen anything like it. I was shocked and amazed and awed. I absolutely loved it. And these were old, poor areas… I wandered further, looking for Yuan Gardens, which I thought were actual gardens. It took me 3 hours to find the place which was fine because I saw some amazing sights along the way. Once I got to the “gardens” the architecture was “rich” old and amazing, the palace look. I stood in the middle of the 9 turn bridge with my headset on for an hour and just watched the throngs of people and the madness. I’ve never seen anything like it. And that’s when it all started getting to me. I called my friends and Kristian and his girlfriend Hong met me for dinner. We had traditional Hong Kong style food. I will say the food in Shanghai is much better than the food in Hangzhou with the exception of “hot pot”. Everything I’ve had here has been fantastic and not super expensive like I was told. I even ate from a stand today in old town and the food was great and fresh there too without lots of oil and no msg.

And speaking of… since I LOVE food – I was thrilled to walk through old town and find and buy freshly made “biscuits” of hei zhi ma, watermelon on a stick, durian and warm freshly roasted chestnuts. I was in food heaven!!! I even had to buy a new purse/bag (my only non-edible purchase in Shanghai) just to carry all the food I bought.

After dinner Kristian and Hong took me to the bund again to see it in all its glory. And it was PACKED with people. On the roadway there, people’s square, apparently a thief unzipped my bag to steal from me. I had my new bag with my food slung over my shoulder, not minding it because there was nothing of importance in there and I had my bag with money tightly held and watched in front of me. So the thief unzipped my food bag/purse – which has a few zippers (the other pockets were empty) and the only thing he could get was my hair clip which rested on top of the food so he took that. Kristian says he probably would have taken the food too but it was wedged in there pretty tightly.

It’s funny… after 3 days in Hangzhou I felt as though I’d been there for three weeks but after 3 days in Shanghai I feel like I just arrived yesterday and am sad to go. There is something magical about this city and I know it has a lot to do with the people I’ve met here and their hospitality and love.

Passages of Time

I remember significant events in my life and often times it is easiest to remember what I was doing a year ago. Tonight for example… The night before my birthday. I am sitting here tonight, alone in my beautiful house with my cat watching “Lost” on DVD. I ate some yummy take out Thai food and my favorite chocolate – honey mints.

I drove home today from LA, from visiting my 99 year old grandpa. He asked me to visit him and everyone, including me, thought it was because he was dying but that wasn’t the case. Apparently he just really missed me and wanted to see me ☺ He was tired a lot and slept a lot but I got to spend some quality time with him and for that I am grateful.

Part/s of my family, actually most of my family, are toxic and I can’t be around them for very long but that’s OK. This was the first time that I drove home and wasn’t crying or screaming or both. This time I let it be their problem, not mine. I let the manipulation, condescending nature, screaming, carrying on and negativity be theirs. I didn’t take it on, I didn’t own it, I didn’t let it affect me – much. And for that, I am grateful. The one day that one of my family members got to me, I asked my HP to remove my obsessive thoughts about that person and poof, within 30 seconds, they were gone.

This time I decided to stand back a little and be aware of their patterns. I know that most of the behavior is addict behavior. I recognize the talk and the walk. I’ve seen it all my life. Hell, I used to participate in it. But now I’m on the other side and again, so grateful to be here.

A year ago tonight I was with someone who was very important to me. That person left the state the next day, never to return. But it wasn’t a night of sadness, it was a night of celebration, promises and hope. That person has a new life now and so do I. Things did not work out between us romantically and I believe it’s better that way. But we are still friends, we still communicate and I will always love him and wish him happiness.

I can count back all my birthdays in the past 7 years and I can remember what I did on each one of them. From the first year I “set myself free” until now. And so much has changed. I know too that next year everything will change again. I will be finished with school, I will have a new life, a new career, a new practice, my own business and who knows what else. All of it welcomed, all of it good. Change. It’s a beautiful thing.

I look at some of my family members and I see that they live in fear. Fear of change. I think most of us fear change. And I cannot say I am 100% different because I fear change too but for me it’s unconventional. I accept change now in a way I never have before. I now walk toward change instead of away from it. I seek uncomfortable and challenging situations because I know these are the ways I will grow and expand. I feel, I live, I love. I get hurt and I love again. And here I am, alone for maybe the very first year in 7 years, the night before my birthday and it’s my choice and I’m happy. I’m happy to be alone with me. I’m happy and I’m content and I feel great. I have accomplished so much. I have given and expanded and expounded over and over again. This past year has not been easy but then if it had, what would I have discovered? Another year, and still, I’m sitting here smiling ☺

In and out of our own personal jungle...

Morning pages
5/11/09

In the jungle the cat stretches deeply. His hind quarters ripple with muscles, connected to his back. When he lounges he does so with dignity. He growls and tosses his mane. He demands respect. This cat might not do much during the day but if he has to he will defend his entire brood. He will gnash his teeth, extend his claws and rattle the life out of anything that tries to threaten his people. This cat is not unlike us when we are backed into a corner or when we are faced with a life changing event or dilemma. If pushed, we will defend our family. If personally threatened the adrenaline will surge, fight or flight will take over and we will act. Sometimes not rationally, like the cat – sometimes we just fight blindly or kick and scream hoping to scare away our attackers. But what of the internal? What about when the attacker is our self? Our own minds? How do we defend ourselves from ourselves? How do I defend me from me? At times I am my own worst enemy. Don Miguel Ruiz says, in “The Voice of Knowledge” that our minds are liars and we cannot believe what they say. But what about intuition? That comes from our minds through our gut or heart. And seeing the difference? He says that anything negative is our mind and a lie. I have found this to be true. The negatives, the loops and always, the assumptions. How can we know what someone else is thinking when half of the time we can’t even be honest with ourselves about what we are thinking? The cover-ups, the denial, the brooding, the self soothing through negative forces…

And then there’s the positive, there’s always a positive. Deep down, we know what we need to do to take care of ourselves. For each of us, the form is different… For me it’s writing, first and foremost. So I’m starting my day with my morning pages, then moving to prayers and meditation and finishing with exercise. I have the intention, I’ve asked for the motivation and willingness. If it means getting up earlier, if it means sharing what I learn, if it means taking more time to sit quietly, if it means reaching out to others when they are in need… And all of these things are wonderful and worth-while, as am I, as are you.

Taking the time for ourselves, as does the jungle cat, the tree, the butterfly… making the time to sit and be who we are, within ourselves, within the silence, without the ache that makes us human. And experiencing whatever life brings, through happiness, sorrow, helplessness, letting go and finally acceptance. As Byron Katie says, we can only love what is. Everything else we have to let go of. We cannot control outside things, we cannot control others or situations or life. We can control our thoughts (to a certain extent) and our actions. We can take charge of ourselves only. We can look and see and accept life on life’s terms. We could whine and complain and kick and scream if we wanted to, but why create angst and strife? Although I do understand that there is a time for everything and one should not push one’s emotions down too far for fear of becoming emotionless. To feel, to love, to share our love – what greater gifts has our creator given us?

Hangzhou China - Installation #2

Written - Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

The weather has been fantastic!! It’s been around 60 degrees both day and night!!!

The other day, Monday I think it was, our fellow students arrived. There are about 18 of us I think. They are staying elsewhere, more towards downtown in what I refer to as “real China” and we (Jessika and I) are staying ½ a block from the West Lake in what I refer to as “fairy-tale land”. Real China is cool to visit but I personally wouldn’t want to live there. It’s industrial and crowded with no scenery. They do have an awesome market at the end of their block, lots of great food stalls and things are cheaper there! I got an entire dish of noodles and vegys to go (enough for two on a hungry day) for .75 cents. And because of the language barrier, things seem to take a long time here, for us foreigners. It took me 3 days to find a phone card. Who knew you had to buy them from the newspaper guys on the corners who had them stashed out of sight in their fanny packs?! Luckily I ran into a guy who spoke a tiny bit of English at “Chinarget” and he personally took me to fanny pack man.

So, onto “Chinarget”. After school orientation on Monday a few of us (Michelle, Ally, Kathyrn, Jessika and myself) decided to find what Johnson promised us was like a “Target” in China. We figured since it takes so long to buy each thing at a specialty store we could hit one place and get everything we needed. The walk there alone was a challenge. At first we walked by a man who was carrying 2 sheep dog puppies by their paws across the street, like one would carry a chicken or duck. They looked dead. He placed them on top of a cage. The cage had 2 others in it and the ones he carried across were alive but looked drugged or something as they didn’t move much. We realized they were for food. We also saw some mystery meat curing in open air, hanging from a sign a bit further on. **Update: today, Friday – 2 of the puppies were gone and the 1 week smog air cured mystery meat has been removed and is perhaps being served in the store that it was hanging from?!...

There is so much high fashion here. Each woman has a cuter outfit than the last. And mixed in with the industrial jungle is gorgeous scenery. Like waterways (streams) and mountains or a pagoda on a hill or a park nestled among the concrete. We stop and take pictures and the people stop with us to see what we are taking pictures of. They are curious, they don’t understand. They ask us and we show them but they still don’t understand. Most everyone is nice though, putting up with our idiosyncrasies as we try to overcome our culture shock.

When we finally come to “Chinarget” which is really called Century Mart we split up to find all we need. Michelle, Kathryn and Ally decide to meet back in 40 minutes. It takes Jessika and I almost 2 hours to get out of there. We are lost in a maze of delight and confusion. Everything I have ever dreamed of is sold here at Chinarget. Everything! There’s that adorable glass tea mug I’ve always wanted that a few teachers and students at our school have and whenever I’ve asked them “where did you get that?” they say “China” and here they are, and they are like six bucks or less!!!! Those cool bamboo hangars that you dry stuff on, those cool teapots with the tea candle warmers below, super cute electric herb boiling pots, chopsticks of every variety. Even the forks and spoons are cute!!! Not the boring moderny ones we have back home… but ones with cranes and flowers and even happy faces on the handles. And each costing a few cents. We spend hours here because we can’t leave any sooner. We are swept up in the shopping frenzy. Plus we have no idea where anything is and try using our Chinese phrasebook to find out. My first stop was to buy a mobile phone but after 20 minutes of trying I finally gave up. I couldn’t understand how to get the service or how many minutes of talk time I would have and it was all too confusing to go on. I spent the next hour and a half looking for a phone card, among other goodies.

The bottom floor of Chinarget is a market. Here they had my favorite thing in the world, pickled stuff!!! Everything pickled!!! Jars and jars and jars!!!! Some of it might have been cat eyeballs for all I know but it was pickled = yum!!! I finally bought a mangosteen and it was delicious! We also found scrumptious apples and other fruit. Each piece of fruit was weighed and tagged before you get to the checkout counter which was interesting and time saving really. I mean Chinarget was packed with people yet the checkout lines were nil. We waited maybe 1 minute behind 1 person to check out and this is because they minimize the stuff the checker has to do. And they encourage you to bring your own plastic take out bags by charging you for bags there! What a good idea!!!

Thursday 3/19 – 12:27pm
Right now I’m sitting outside of our hostel at the outside restaurant next to the coy pond awaiting some soup but I have no idea what it will taste like or if I’ll even be able to eat it. I have found if there are no pictures, you have no idea what you’re getting here. Yesterday Jessika ordered grilled chicken, and it did not say milk or cream sauce on the menu but it was on the dish. She cannot eat milk or else will get extremely ill but they wouldn’t take it back or refund her. So now we ask, no matter what. We have circled (I am allergic to dairy and gluten) in our phrasebooks and I showed them this before ordering the onion soup so we shall see. Yesterday I got the tomato egg drop soup and the hot and sour potatoes, both were fantastic and way too much food for me. Today I just paid $2 for enough onion soup for 5 people.

Oh and the dinner last night, wow, that would take a whole 7 pages to write about, it was just hysterical. The menu boasted things like “sweet beans of three men” and honestly other things that were so funny I can’t possibly remember them so I took pictures. Lots of seafood and they did have a tank in the back where they were getting their supply. I am posting pics because other than “spicy bullfrog” I can’t remember much…

Friday march 20th – 8pm
I realize I can’t possibly write all that I want to each day. There is too much happening here and I don’t have enough time to download and process it all, let alone blog about it. So instead, I’ll just do what I can.

Today I finally got to my clinic shift and saw acupuncture in China!!! YAY!!! It was really great and mind blowing too. I would go into detail here but I realize that those of you who might be reading this and aren’t in acupuncture school will not only not understand but it might deter you from getting a treatment in the US – which is totally not like the treatments in China. And since acupuncture is one of the best healing arts in the world I would never want to deter anyone from having it.

We then had a class on 9 Palace Needling which was more of an intro lecture on the I Ching trigrams, working us up to the 9 Palace class 2 next week.

China is still absolutely blowing me away. I love the way everyone walks down the streets holding hands or arm in arm. 2 women, 4 women – all in a row. 2 men. It’s the cutest thing! However the way the cars drive up on the sidewalks while you’re walking on them gets unnerving at times.

Last night Jessika and I went to the night market and it was a crazy experience. There were stalls and tons of people, packed in tightly with vendors selling everything from fake designer handbags to antiques to underwear. And everything was pretty darn cheap too. I am sure I overpaid for a bauble and so then bargained the hell out of my next 5 purchases. We even bargained the sock lady down from 43 cents a pair to 29 cents a pair. In one way it was really fun but in another it was oh so tiring. I wanted a hair clip and just didn’t have the energy to bargain for it so I didn’t buy one.

Before the night market we took a tram thing around West Lake because I needed some city downtime for a bit and that was awesome. The lake is amazingly beautiful. And the tram even went up and down stairs (actually there were stone rails for it built into the stone staircases). There are pagodas after pagodas here and by the end of the hour long ride I was saying “look, another pagoda!” At first I was saying “look a pagoda” with enthusiasm and I’m not pagoda jaded at all but pagodas here are like Starbucks in the States, there’s one on every street corner. They’re a lot prettier than Starbucks though ;)

So yeah, I’m still loving China. I don’t love the constant cigarette smoke or the smog or the crowds (we found them!) but I love the energy and the amazing variety and the difference – it’s different from anything I have ever known!

I think I forgot to mention Hafeng street where they sell live scorpions and then fry them in vats of oil in front of your eyes and you eat them. A man tried to buy me one but I decided to wait a couple more weeks before eating one but then Jessika and I are determined to do it. They also had a very large jar with a dead snake in it and a spigot for some fresh dead snake juice. As a matter of fact, there is hardly anything that I don’t say “what the f…. is that?” here – food wise. They seem to be really into duck heads, they sell those everywhere and I’m just not sure where the meat is on one, nor will I find out. I did have my first soy sauce egg today (even though I don’t eat soy sauce) and it was fantastic. As a matter of fact, almost everything I’ve eaten (and who knows what half it has been) has been fantastic tasting.

So here we are, in a crazy land, doing crazy things and absolutely LOVING it!!!! Everyone should come to China!!!

** - update – it’s funny reading back because I’ve been really negative since returning and telling people I had an awful time. I realized then and now that much of my difficulty was not being around people who were clean/sober and not being able to find that in China. I felt very alone in this department. It’s not something I can even write about here but those of you in the “know” can ask me about it privately if you choose and I am thinking it will probably be a good and important thing to start a separate blog about those experiences.

First 24 hours in Hangzhou

Saturday March 14th, 2009 – China
Pics are here - please click on me!!!

Of course it’s a given that when you go to another country everything is totally and completely different. So it’s no surprise here that this is also so. I might have my own room at the local youth hostel in the best part of town for about $20 per night but I also have what comes along with that. The bed feels like springs sticking out of a board. But looking on the bright side, which I tend to do, there is a fantastic working heater and a warm hot shower – between the hours of 9am and noon and 5pm to midnight… Oh and the toilet flushes!

China is not at all what I expected, not that I had any idea of what to expect. But I did have some preconceived notions about how I personally would react to being here. Mostly I had a myriad of fears and my fear was not of a healthy nature. Healthy fear keeps you from being attacked and killed by the mountain lion. Unhealthy fear can hold you back from positive changes in life. I was afraid of everything. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get money, understand what people were saying, speak to anyone, read the street signs, know or learn my way around and the list goes on.

I have only been here for one day and as any good traveler knows I can’t base my first day on my entire experience but it does set a tone and the tone it has set is a very very good one. My friend Jessika and I landed, dazed and confused yesterday in the Hangzhou airport, which is a wonderful airport to land in for a first entry to China. It is quiet and crowd-less. It is small and easy to find your way around. After exchanging money… and this might help others – we went to the first money exchange in the airport on the floor that you get off when you arrive and the exchange rate was terrible. We asked the woman if there was another place in the airport where we could exchange money and she actually directed us upstairs (to the departure area) to the Bank of China, where the exchange rate was fantastic. This woman earned super good karma points!

We also ran into a guy who wanted to offer us a cab-ride inside the airport. We declined and later read in our guide book that those are often black market cab drivers with no meter who drive you round and round.

After getting a different cab to our hostel, Mingtown, right on West Lake and checking in we went exploring, looking for food. We were leery and went walking round and round until we finally decided on Tao Café and boy were we glad we did! The food was really good and of course the prices reasonable. The best part though was the tea and that the waitress let us sit and talk, on couches – which they have instead of chairs – for hours. She just kept refilling my tea leaf filled cup with hot water and refilling Jessika’s teapot. We realized right away that we couldn’t actually speak to her at all. Part of the menu was in English and we pointed to what we wanted but we both have gluton and dairy sensitivities/allergies and it was quite a challenge to tell her that. After massive searching in our phrasebook we found the right words in Chinese. Now if we could only learn to pronounce them properly. Nothing is quite as frustrating as when you finally find the right words and you say them as you’ve been taught in school and the native speaker looks at you with confusion and shakes their head. This is where I began going back to my days of pantomime, and it worked. It worked so well that I pantomimed my way through the rest of the day.

One of the things that has been more than difficult for me this trip is that I got sick 2 days before I left. This in itself would be challenging but this particular illness has turned into the worst dry hacking cough I have ever had. The cough, apart from ravaging my throat and voice, kept everyone on the 16 hours of air flight awake and has also kept me awake for more than 3 nights. Last night I coughed for 3 hours straight in bed before I finally fell asleep. This morning I woke with an even greater inflamed throat, and the cough is quickly becoming my closest friend as it refuses to leave my lungs. It has not gotten better, it has not gotten worse. But as I truly need my sleep to heal and haven’t been able to sleep for more than a few hours at a time I wonder where this will lead and how it will all play out. Today my other classmates arrive and tomorrow we go to school and begin touring acupuncture clinics. I doubt I will be welcome in such places if I can’t control my coughing.

After lunch we embarked on a treasure hunt. There were staples we knew we would need before sleep. These included but were not limited to: A large bottled water for each of us to make tea in our rooms and brush our teeth, ibuprofin for Jessika’s headache and my sore back, throat lozenges for Jessika and my sore throats, local honey to build up our immune systems and acclimate us to local allergens and cough medicine. We realized our order was tall but we were determined. After wandering aimlessly down the street our hostel is on and looking for anything resembling a store and not finding one I remembered that hotels are our friends. We walked into the first one we found and asked them where the nearest market was. And as foreigners will often do, we assumed that things here were like things at home – translating to – there would be one big supermarket that would carry everything we needed and we just had to find it and we would be set. And as humbling as it is to discover you’re wrong, it also leads to great adventures. The concierge told us directions to the “super market” we inquired about and we went along our merry, though painful way (me with my aching back and endless cough, Jessika wearing her massive headache and inflamed throat). But our discomfort did not stop us from giggling with delight at each and every turn. Instead our pain egged us on, we had a mission and we were not going back to our hotel to rest until we had accomplished it.

We walked for long city blocks until we came to what looked like an AM/PM type place. And as Jessika pointed out, the colors and design of such places are similar to the colors and designs of such places in the States so we immediately recognize the “universal look” of – “we are a mini mart” without being able to read the Chinese characters. We wandered in looking for what we needed but instead we got lost in the myriad of fun Chinese packaged goodies. We tried to decipher things and finally figured out some stuff, like a package of Da Zao though we had no idea how it was prepared. We were just glad to recognize the picture on the front. With most other goodies we were not as knowledgeable but they brought fits of giggles and delight. There are few things funner than colorful packaged, undiscernible food in a foreign land. Here we noted that the only thing they had on our treasure hunt were large waters. We moved forth. Next we came to a store/kiosk that said boasted mobile phone stuff and I entered looking to buy a local mobile phone. I did not let the language barrier prevent me from pantomiming my needs to the saleswoman who brought out a SIM card as I sadly shook my head no and muttered one of the only things I can remember in Chinese, “xie xie” = thank you.

We kept walking. Eventually we were herded down a side street since there are barriers preventing you from crossing the main street. This is when we discovered jaywalking. Jaywalking in Hangzhou was the first thing that made me feel like I was home. And even though jaywalking in Hangzhou is very different from jaywalking in San Francisco, there are still the same basic principles – don’t get hit by a car. At first we walked to the intersections that were marked with lines on the streets, which in the States says to the oncoming traffic – stop here for the pedestrians to cross or you will get a ticket. In Hangzhou however those lines don’t seem to mean the same thing. As a matter of fact I’m not sure what they are there for at all, except maybe to delineate another side street. At first we looked around for a traffic light, we went a couple of blocks looking but there were none to be found. When we noticed something across the street that looked like a 7-11 we decided to follow some locals for our first crossing. This is where I learned that most people in vehicles and on bikes and scooters don’t stop for pedestrians. We followed the locals closely, weaving in and out of traffic gaps. The flow of traffic was not fast and it is more fun than scary to cross, though I did get the image of a salmon swimming upstream.

Entering the Chinese kind of 7-11 we got lost in the myriad of brightly packaged foods again. I found sweetened pickled roses which I had a really hard time not buying but I tried to remain focused on our mission. I walked to a saleswoman and pointed to my throat and coughed, then looked around wildly before looking back at her with a question mark in my eyes. She walked to a shelf and handed me, what have now proved to be, hands down, the best throat and cough lozenges I have ever had! They are called “Golden” and I agree with the name as they have become so to me. On the back there is a photo of a spring and it says “quiet clear spring”. I don’t know what’s in them but there is a slight numbing agent that rids the pain and they keep me from coughing for 5-10 minutes at a time. I then pointed to my back and made a pain face and then a question mark face. She shook her head no and I raised my eyebrows and pointed down the street making a “where?” face. She pointed down the street and held up 1 finger to indicate we could find a pharmacy 1 block from here. We went on our merry way, cough drops in mouth.

On our way Jessika noticed as we passed a honey/bee store and we ran in to purchase some local royal jelly, which Tania had suggested we do as soon as we arrive. The choices were endless. There was loquat honey, royal jelly, propolis and even propolis face washing soap! It was really hard not to buy every single thing in the store but I held back and we just bought the royal jelly. Royal jelly in SF is extremely expensive, I’ve paid over $20 for a very tiny jar. But to my delight more than 12 ounces here is a mere $7.

The next place we came to was colorful and bright and sold fruit. We had passed through a few other such fruit stores along the way and had gone in to explore but this one was different. This one had loud rocking music and a back wall with little packages that beckoned to me. As we danced our way through I was overcome with delight to find fresh mangosteen, durian and long yan rou. There was some fruit I had only heard about in dreams and then others I have never known of. We looked, picked, prodded and laughed hysterically. And the whole time, from one end of the store to the other, we danced. I suppose that I should have expected the dancing alone to bring us more attention but at this point I was used to be looked at.

Here I break off into another tangent – I have always been told that to be the minority somewhere is very different than being the same as everyone else and I’ve always understood that to be true yet experiencing it is very different. And as Jessika pointed out, it doesn’t seem weird to us to be surrounded by 99% Chinese faces because we go to Chinese Medicine school and our teachers and many fellow students are Chinese. What ended up standing out for me is the way they react to us. We are stared at, openly. People stop walking in the streets to turn around and watch us pass. In some places they tap each other and point to us until everyone is staring our way. Walking down the street one guy was speaking with his friends in Mandarin but when he saw us he stopped and said “hello, hello!!” eyebrows raised. Hahahaha At the restaurant a little boy of 2 ran up to the window and pressed himself against the glass with his jaw open to look at me. His parents were embarrassed and tried to pull him away but I turned, saw him, smiled and waved and then his parents began smiling and he began jumping up and down a bit in delight that even though I look different from what he is used to seeing, this alien is still nice. So by this point in our adventure I was getting used to being gawked at.

We made our way to the end of the store that had things in packages and bins. We started picking up the little plastic packaged foods in the bins and discovered they were fish. Tiny packages, smaller than my hand, of perhaps pickled octopus and such. We were in absolute heaven. I had to take photos of these as well which brought us more attention but who could pass up such a unique opportunity? Jessika discovered sugar cane in the back and we ended up gawking at the food choices just as much as the people were gawking at us.

That’s when Jessika looked across the side street and saw the pharmacy. It seemed like a castle looming up out of the concrete to welcome us. Inside we found slightly familiar names, pinyin of herbs we recognized and we instantly felt at home. We spent the next three quarters of an hour pantomiming with the pharmacist, both her and us breaking into fits of laughter. We pantomimed needing medicine for my cough, her throat, my back, her headache and we led around the store from one colorful package of drugs to the next. We found the ibuprofin. She gave me some chuan bei mu cough medicine and Jessika some pang da hai tea that also has a myriad of other herbs like mai men dong. Jessika looked up in the phrasebook so we could say pain and ask if the remedies she was pointing out were herbal or western. She gave me Chinese herbs for my back which I did not discover until later are those tiny little delicious tincture bottles that you drink. In the end I spent $10 and got a bag full of packaged herbs for all my ailments and ibuprofin. The treasure hunt was complete and now I had to pee so we headed back.

On our way we passed a fancy hotel and I remembered that in SF or other places in the US whenever I have to go to the bathroom I turn into a fancy hotel or a hospital because the bathrooms are always on the main floor and more often than not they are very nice. This was the case here as well and it was nice to relieve myself so I wouldn’t be complainy for the rest of the walk home.

This also gave us more time to wander about. On our way back I could see West Lake peeking through an alley about a block from our hotel and Jessika asked me if I wanted to go there now. I did! We jaywalked, zigzagging with a local between buses, cars, bikes and mopeds. We had now learned that even at a crosswalk with a light the traffic does not stop. Pedestrians are on their own here and we saw cars narrowly missing bikers and moped riders as the mishmash of traffic somehow, against all odds, seems to work. The other thing we noticed in the main area is the lack of congestion we had expected. We had heard that big cities have wall to wall people but not where we are in Hangzhou. There were less people on the street, on a Saturday, than there are in downtown SF on a crowded weekday, significantly less. This was welcomed.

As we headed down the side street toward West Lake my breath left my chest and my heart began to race. I have never, in my life, seen anything so breathtaking. It was dusk and the sun was just about to set over the vast lake. The lights on all sides were twinkling and the trees, which look like willow trees dipped in and out of the magic of twilight. I quickly dubbed this “fairytaleland”. The quiet and peaceful water. The old, weathered stones along the alley and causeway. The lights playing music and dancing along the water’s edge. Captivating, awe inspiring, sheer and complete magic. This is when Jessika and I began thanking Kenan for recommending we stay at this hostel in this area.

It’s funny because when I first walked into my room at the hostel I thought, there is NO WAY I can stay here for a month and now, less than 24 hours later I feel like I could stay here forever. I have always likened traveling to being home. For me that’s what it’s always felt like. I should reiterate by saying that I LOVE home, especially my home, where I live now in Sausalito, which I call “magic land”. I love it there!! I have a very large one bedroom with a sunroom all to myself. I have a magical garden and a view of the bay. But there has always been something familiar to me about traveling. I am not sure what it is exactly but when I’m “on the road” I am comfortable. I can do things or stay at places that I might otherwise have turned my nose up at and they seem perfectly wonderful to me. Even in hard conditions, like at burning man, I feel like I’m home. I feel like this is where I’ve always been and this is where I’m meant to be. I feel that way in Europe, and now I can add China to my list. I feel like I’ve come home here too, like this is in my blood, buried somewhere deep in my DNA. And I can’t explain it anymore than that.

Seeing West Lake for the first time drove that “home” for me again. Jessika and I were already loving it here but seeing the lake brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart with a joy that I never knew was missing until it was there. We wandered along the edge and crossed a bridge. There are no railings here. Everything is open and free and we could only surmise that it must be because the Chinese are not litigious. Regardless it made everything seem more real and raw yet it also made us a bit uncomfortable as our safety net had been removed. Wow, they actually trust that we’re not going to fall or be pushed into the water here! What a concept!

As we strolled along the most romantic area I’ve ever seen, together watching the last remnants of the sun fade behind the mountains of Hangzhou, I felt so good, better than I’ve felt in the past few days of travel and sickness. Knowing that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be right now, without a doubt. And all my fear and worry and angst and anxiety has completely melted away.

Getting Ready for China

I leave for China in 13 days! I wish I could say I’m ready to go but I’m not. And that has to be OK too. My plan is to blog while I’m there. I might blog on here and on World Nomads - I’ll see how that goes…

It takes a lot to get ready for a big trip. Planning, buying, packing, more planning. It’s not as simple as throwing a bunch of things into a suitcase and sorting it all out later. So I did what I’ve always done – I made lists. A list of what I needed to buy before I leave. A list of what I need to pack to go. A list of what I want to do and see while I’m there and a list of what I want to buy there. I love lists, they allow me a semblance of control, even though I know it’s only a façade.

So what is makes it hard to leave? The schoolwork that must get done before I go and leaving the people that I can’t take with me. Luckily I have decided to bring my computer to stay in touch with my friends and loved ones. And luckily I am traveling with one of my closest friends and I know we will be there to guide and support each other through this journey.

I have never traveled to Asia before. I have traveled many times to Europe and even though I don’t speak any other languages I’ve always felt extremely comfortable in Europe. As a matter of fact, I’ve always felt extremely comfortable traveling. It’s as though, suddenly, by being out of my element, I’m in my element. I’m not sure how or why that works but it does….

I’m bringing a very large suitcase – I had to go buy a new one yesterday because I only had the weekender kind that fits in the overhead. The new one I bought is almost as big as me! I am hoping to pack it ½ full and then fill it up with fun souvenirs when I’m there.

I am going with a large group of people from school, there will be about 20 of us. We are going to Hangzhou. We will spend ½ days at clinics observing acupuncture and then ½ days in class – 4 days a week. We will have 3 day weekends to travel, sightsee and cause mayhem. I am hoping to go on day or weekend trips to Shanghai, Beijing, Suzhou and Zhouzhuang. Jessika and I will be spending our last 4-5 days in Hong Kong. The total trip planned is 5 weeks.

I will be leaving behind my wonderful, beautiful kitty cat – Midnight Blue in very good hands with Celine and David. I have never left Midi for this long before. The longest I’ve left him in the 3 years we’ve been together is for 2 weeks and he gets really upset about that. I will also be leaving behind the rain and sun of Sausalito and my amazing gorgeous blooming flowers, magnolias, in my front yard. When I return they will have ceased to bloom and I won’t get to see their vibrant faces again until next Spring. I took many pictures already so I can remember them. And then there are my amazing friends, my spectacular support group and a special someone that I have known for many months but have recently gotten to know even better.

I love blogging and putting up pics. I’m hoping my new camera will take video but the battery is currently dead and I’ve been too preoccupied to charge it. I want to keep writing and procrastinating but I have to study for my test on Tuesday, especially since I want to get out to play in the rain soon…

The end of the beginning

Sometimes blogging is profound, sometimes it’s a version of self expression, sometimes it marks the passage of time or the advent of a new idea or thought – for different people it may represent different things. Personally, from the writer deep inside, it’s something I can’t not do. Calling from somewhere raw and ancestral. Why explain what I can’t?

And so here I lay, past my bedtime, too tired to sleep. Thoughts ping ponging from one corner of my mind to the last outpost of sense.

I’ve had a crazy new year – and today is the last day of January 2009. For me, I chose to see the year begin this past Monday, with the Chinese Year of the Ox. I sat through Liu Ming’s funny tale of what this year will bring – conventionality.

And so far, so much has happened. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a lumpectomy. My aunt sued my 98 year old grandfather and tried to lock him up in a home with 24 hour guards so the family can’t see him. We found out 2 days before the “emergency” court date. I dropped everything and flew to LA to fight for his freedom. We won round one. My aunt is not giving up. She has a vendetta to fill. My gramps showed up himself in court and not only held his own, he held everyone else’s too. What an amazing man.

I have celebrated life, death and everything in between. The birthing of my own consciousness in the form of my strength and pride. The death of myself as a punching bag, always putting others first.

And last night a wonderful “date” of lovely tea sipping, tango lessons and flamenco dancing. The dancers twirling and whirling together, like the sun and the moon.

Poems and words were exchanged where inspiration meets on street corners.

In a month I fly to China where I will get the opportunity to spend 5 weeks touring clinics and hospitals to see how acupuncture is used in the country it sprouted from.

And all of this – the pain, the joy, the sorrow, the love – it all boils down to one thing – I am grateful for all that I have and will experience, give and share. My path is set in an ever-changing motion.

A year retrospective:

A year retrospective:

I’ve had a good year. It began with a 10 day silent Vipassana retreat last December that took me through Xmas and New Year’s, well kinda – I actually snuck out with some friends on New Year’s eve when we were supposed to stay till New Year’s day….

The retreat was just what I needed…. I blogged about it on my Tribe site and just found the old blog which I’ve copied and pasted here….

Then it was back to school for the next quarter (3 ½ months) and then off to Hawaii last March to the Big Island, Kona for 2 weeks which was breathtaking and amazing. I attended a spiritual class there for a week and then tromped about with a friend for another week. However, the days I got to spend alone were the best days of all. I reunited with an old college friend and even got to find some friends of my parents. I swam daily in the ocean, snorkeled among turtles, swam with dolphins (quite by chance), touched the warm waters of my soul and giggled in the sunlit trees. I saw waterfalls, Pele and the volcano, played in the sand, hiked, 4-wheeled, and inside - my soul soared. I am seriously thinking of moving there after I get my acupuncture license and do an intern stint in China…

Then another 3 months of school and I ran up to the hotsprings whenever I could in between. Here I soak in the magical waters, bask in the sun, hike, get watsu and massage, eat amazing food and meet wonderful people. The land is pure magic and every time I leave I feel rejuvenated and all glowy.

Since school is all year round and has been going on now for as long as I can remember (since 2005) I like to jaunt whenever I can.

Over the past 4 months I’ve been able to jaunt even more. I’ve been to Chicago twice, Seattle twice, Canada, Burning Man and Harbin.

I had never been to Chicago or Seattle before and I loved them both. They are gorgeous cities with amazing architecture. The weather however, not so good. Chicago is big, Seattle sooooo small – it makes SF look large. I adored driving around Chicago and going to Lincoln Park and all the other fun places that Jessika told me to see!!! Seattle was a longer visit – my first time was 10 days and thank you Max for letting me stay. We visited Pike’s Market and Alki Beach (I think that’s the name) and spent a lot of time on Capitol Hill. I went again for a class which happened to be on Halloween weekend and loved it just as much. Luckily Max and I also got to go to Victoria – it was on my list. I have been to Vancouver a few times and though I do like it, it’s a big city with too many modern buildings for me. The first time I went, years and years ago, it was older and more antiquated and I liked it better. Victoria I had high hopes for – but most of it was not what I had imagined (too modern) – only the tiniest bit of downtown was…. old. Butchard Gardens was alright, shopping was fun, the ferry was great and we met the most wonderful people… I guess I had expected all of Victoria to look like the Empress Hotel ☺


And, then burning man this year… It was a very different experience for me. I was the only person in my camp who didn’t drink or partake in any other “substances” and it was not easy to be around all that energy all the time. The art, as always, was fantastic. And although I drove up my friend Tom from Austria and I spent a lot of time with all my amazing Bman friends – I felt alone a lot of the time. I love going out on the playa by myself at times and did that this year but somehow it was different. My favorite moments were volunteering for Dream Yourtopia with Jonathan/Amsterdam, Brent and Marilyn. I was a guard and got to be “bad cop”, wearing pink camo and combat boots and telling people to go back and completely fill out their immigration form – it was soooooooo fun!!! Even in the amazingly hot hot hot sun – those were some of the best 4 hours ever!!! I loved the interactions and I loved working as “bad cop and worse cop” (I was actually worse cop) with Amsterdam.

Volunteering to be a guardian at the Temple this year with Susan was another highlight. The temple itself was amazing. Auditory as well as visual, made from almost all found materials and 2 stories so you could walk around the top floor. Susan and I got to meet so many wonderful people and give back to the community.

The second white-out – riding in the mog with my fantabulous campmates. Climbing to the top of Babylon and looking out over the storm. Getting to know Matty, laughing with Kimo and Autumn…

Going to dilated pupils camp to get a soothing eye bath and pampered beyond belief…

Suspension camp – for bondage lessons and suspension…

The end of critical tits when I was completely zonked and Kevin showed up with bacon wrapped scallops!!!

Mornings in the kitchen with all my camp friends…

And then my last day, spent with Edwin and Zeut – walking to the temple to find it closed and then going wherever our feet took us. Climbing art, swimming in a pool, making friends and in the end, hungry – finding that hot dog stand and having – the best hot dog ever, on the playa surrounded by love.

I’ve done a lot this year – besides go to school full time – pass 2nd year comps – become an intern… Healthy Homes, my TV show got picked up by a PBS affiliate last month as well and now we’re getting sponsors. I started interning at the Jewish home for the aged (hospice care) and I love it.

I have only 7 short months left of school and then my entire life will open up again – and change completely. I can do anything now. If I want to… I can fly.

Ten day silent retreat

January 2008

Shhhhhhh :)
I just returned from a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat. It was an interesting way to spend the holidays, to say the least. I learned a lot and I enjoyed the technique. I also found out a lot of things that I don't "love" to do, especially queuing!!!

The silent part was the easy part. I am a very talkative person and people teased me that I would not be able to be silent for 10 days. I admit, it was my biggest fear going in. I even talk out loud to myself on a daily basis! So it was interesting to me to find that was not a problem. I didn't even miss it. And going deeper... I love silence. When I'm home alone I don't listen to music or have the TV on. When I'm in noisy crowds or a noisy restaurant I definitely have an aversion to the chatter... However, I myself, do like to talk and I like to hear other people's stories, etc.

The retreat was uber structured and I have always had difficulty with structure and authority. If someone tells me to go to the right, I will go to the left. Melding into the structure was a challenge for me. There were so many rules, many things were forbidden. 11am was our second and last meal. At 5pm we were allowed fruit but I ended up only eating an apple at that time and found myself surprisingly, not hungry. We weren't allowed to mingle with the opposite sex - this proved easy - I forgot there were men there until day 3. We were not allowed to walk outside the course boundaries. This part was difficult for me because we were in a gorgeous redwood forest. This is where I rekindled my spirituality with nature. I spent quite a lot of time hugging and kissing the trees which were of great comfort to me. I have always been a tree lover - I spent a great deal of my childhood growing up in the rubber tree in my parent's backyard. On the retreat, I wanted to explore the redwood forest and would sneak around, standing in the faerie groves and stare at the canopy of lush green fronds above my head. I stood silently, endlessly, watching the sunrise and set - and watching the moon rise. It was breathtaking. This was, by far, my favorite part - the closeness and comfort of spending time in nature. We were not allowed to read or write. Not writing was frustrating as the same thoughts would go round and round in my head and I knew if I wrote them down I would be able to release them and focus more clearly, and even though I had a pen, I only broke down on day 8 and scribbled one line of a poem while locked in a bathroom stall.

The technique itself was amazing and in many ways I've never felt more alive. My body dissolved completely on 2 occasions, which I found out later, was the goal. And though this exact technique was new to me, I have worked with similar forms in the past and have been meditating since I was 12 years old, so there was a lot of familiarity.

I love challenges. I love facing my fears.

Day 7 was the most difficult for me. The first 6 days actually blended into each other and I forgot what day was what until the teacher would announce it at the end of the night. I could have looked on the sign in the cafeteria but I didn't care. By day 8 I formed a strong aversion to the teacher repeating the same thing over and over and over and over again and found myself spacing out so I wouldn't have to listen. And yesterday, which was the last day of silence, I was done. We were supposed to stay until 7:30am today and listen to 2 more "dharma talks" but I was through. I loved the dharma talks through day 8 but on the schedule for day 9 it was a repeat of the technique and if I heard it repeated one more time I thought I would scream!!! One of the girls I met said to me yesterday at 4pm/ish - "let's sneak out, it's new year's eve!!!" And so me, Julie and the wonderful girl I drove up there, Emily all snuck out a day early. It was fun, silly and a wonderful way to ring in the new year!!! We packed our bags while everyone was in the cafeteria, whispering and giggling and helping each other carry stuff. We brought our cars down close to our cabins and hunched over, hiding our goods we ran with glee. It was definitely a highlight. We were all "rule breakers" and there was a wonderful adrenaline and excitement in knowing we were "escaping".

In the end, though yes yes yes, I'm glad I went - however, I realized that spiritually and personally I learn more going to burning man - which for me is even more challenging and life changing on a grander scale.

Loving Life!!!!! - Obama - My MAN!!!!

I can't believe it, I sincerely cannot believe it. I am so happy that I cannot stop crying. I drove through SF and people were crying and hugging each other in the streets. I went to the health food store and people were screaming and hugging strangers. This is amazing!!! I didn't realize until we found out in class that he'd won that I really didn't believe he would. I wanted him to, I donated money, voted and did all I personally could do yet I had no faith in America anymore. I was sure the R's would steal the vote again, after all it's happened the last 2 times. I must say that I had no idea I would be so affected. I believe in the hope for the change towards good. I believe in my man, Obama. And, wow, I don't have to move out of the country!!!!

I had a very strange dream 3 weeks ago:
I was awaiting the election results with hundreds of people at a hippy commune and the results were announced over the loud speaker that McCain had won. A few people cheered but the majority of us booed and hissed and I completely lost it and started cussing and screaming and saying horrible things about the people who had voted for him. Then someone tapped me on the shoulder and they pointed to a sign and the sign said "hug your neighbor no matter what political party they voted for" and I said "screw that". Then, because it was a saga dream, 4 years or maybe 8 went by... And at the end of these years McCain had made some bad choices and the city I lived in was being destroyed by bombs. I was in a high rise building, on the top floor and everything outside and around me was on fire (including the building itself). I had become 7 years old again. And I realized that in a matter of minutes the building would fall and I would die. I looked to the right of me and McCain was standing there and he had the look on his face of one that knows they made the wrong choices and I walked over to him and I hugged him, tightly. And then, the building fell and we died.

When I awoke I was pissed but later I found the dream to be very significant - we are all the same. We are all one. Even McCain, even El Shrubbo, even Hitler... and when we die, we all go to the same place. And, I believe, we are reborn again and again and again.

OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA!!!!!!

Amma

Yesterday, for the first time I went to see the "hugging" guru Amma - www.amma.org

I am less than a week away from some pretty serious testing called "2nd year comps". These tests - 2 full days of them - require you to regurgitate everything you have learned in the past 2-3 years of school. This would be fine but there is added pressure. If you fail any of the tests (and there are 10 or 11 of them altogether) twice you get kicked out of school for a minimum of a year. Pretty serious stuff...

So at first I kept saying I couldn't afford the time to go see Amma when I realized I couldn't afford NOT to see her.

Me, 2 of my classmates and one of my classmate's boyfriends went together. I drove. It took an hour to get there. We all decided to go on her "special" night where she gives "Devi Bhava" (www.amma.org/tours/amma-tours/faq.html) and you can receive a personal mantra. We were told to arrive no later than 4pm to get in line to receive a token for our darshan "hug". The program began at 7:30pm. We were the first ones to begin, line 3. I knew it would be crowded but was unprepared for thousands and thousands and thousands of people - which there seemed to be. The energy was frenzied. I imagined it would be high energy but "forgot" how frenzied a large group of "spiritual" people get when they are together. It reminded me of religious zealots. Many people seemed unaware of others and it was strange to be pushed, shoved, stepped on and elbowed. I went with the flow as did my fellow classmates. Right after we arrived we looked up in pleasant surprise to see a bunch of other classmates arriving just after us and getting in line right behind us. We tried to study but the energy was too much.

At 6:30pm they filed us into the hall to await Amma. We were instructed to use the bathroom before-hand or hold it until afterwards - a tall request when it was hot out, we were drinking a lot of water and personally - I have a bladder the size of a peanut. Upon entering I already had to pee... We sat and waited and again, the energy was bristling the hairs on the back of my neck. And then Amma entered and a tremendous feeling of peace entered with her. This feeling of peace was like nothing I have ever felt before. It felt like - everything and everyone in the world is OK and everything will always be OK. I can't describe it any other way. My heart felt like "ahhhhh". No problems, no concerns - is there someone sitting on my feet? I don't know and I don't care. I was able to take that feeling home with me and until about 2 hours ago I still had it, my heart felt safe and whole and peaceful.

She sat on stage, she blessed some water, we all got some of the water. I did not understand why we all got the water in plastic cups with plastic lids when she is so environmental and anti-plastic - but that's another story for another time.

The puja happened where she gave an amazing dharma talk - summarizing the exact "things" I have been studying and practicing lately - isn't it always this way :)

My friends and I had gotten C1 tokens which meant we would not have long to wait after the puja to receive hugs. So we hung around. We watched the stage alight with color and Amma replace her white with a colorful sari. We stood behind throngs and throngs of people, standing on our tiptoes to catch a glimpse of this amazing woman. We lost 2 of the people in our group and then, when it was time, found them again quite "accidentally".

When I got my holy water I saw something floating in it and hoped it was a flower petal. I put the lid on and concentrated on the program. After the puja I opened my water and noticed it smelled much too strongly of menthol. The "thing" floating in it had shrunken and I decided that someone had put a cough drop in mine. I smelled my friends and theirs smelled like plain water. I was about to dump mine out when a woman who worked there came over. I told her I had "tainted" water and opened it for her to smell. She laughed and said that there was camphor in my water, put there by Amma as a blessing and not only did I not have "tainted" water, I had "special" water. LOL

We played musical chairs all the way to the hug and it was fun. Up on stage waiting for the hug we were shuffled and bustled about. My friends who are a couple went before me and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever witnessed. Amma hugged them tightly, then looked each one in the eye, then hugged them again, put something on each of their foreheads, hugged each one separately and then put her hands over their hearts. It was amazing and beautiful to see. It might be because I know them and they have an incredibly, beautiful and long lasting love story. It touched me so deeply to see how she took care of them. She did not do this to any other couple's that I saw. I like to believe she could see their souls and how much they mean to each other. And, watching her with them and them with her was the highlight of the hugging experience for me. When it was my turn to get hugged I got elbowed very hard right in the face, by accident, by someone who worked there. I was reeling and when Amma pulled my head onto her shoulder I could not focus. I kind of "missed" my hug experience because of the face smash but of course I'm still so happy to have received it - both the hug and the elbow! And then my other friend went and when Amma was done hugging her she could see that my friend was crying and so she pulled her back in for another hug, it was sooo sweet!

We all got back into the mantra line, went through the mantra stuff and then we were next to Amma again to have our personal mantras whispered in our ear. All in all - a very cool and very powerful experience.

We drove home elated. The entire experience - from beginning to end - including the driving took about 10 hours and it was well worth it.

Would I do it again? I might not go back to the Devi Bhava night thing again - there were just too many people for me but as for going to a morning darshan, yes yes yes - Amma hug me silly!

Study Skills

Who am I to give advice on studying? I’m a full-time student trying to get her master’s degree in a very difficult field – but so what. Do I heed my own advice? Would I be here in front of my computer if I did?

Regardless, maybe these things will work for you…

Apparently we can only focus for 2 hours. I however, seem to be able to focus for about 15 minutes on a good day.

An expert says to study for 1 hour straight – set an alarm for 55 mins, take a 5 minute break for water and the bathroom and then go back and study for another hour. At the end of the 2 hours, take an hour break. He suggests that when you are studying you delete ALL distractions. This means put away the computer and turn off the phone. Do not check emails. Do not answer the phone.

Here is what I have found kind of works for me. Earplugs!!! I am noise sensitive so I have to wear them or I get distracted.

This expert says it takes 15 mins for our brains to get fully immersed in a subject. For me, this is not true. I can hyper-focus, but only for short spurts and then my mind wanders. If I don’t do something else I sit in front of my study stuff and space out, not studying.

I have to study multiple subject because weekly I am tested on multiple subjects. Therefore I spend 15 mins to ½ an hour studying 1 thing, take a 10 minute break and then move on to the next subject. I have also found that what works for me is to add a project. Either artwork or collage – and this will work for any subject. Getting creative not only helps ideas stick, it makes studying a tiny bit more fun.

I used to promise myself treats when I completed something but this no longer seems to work for me.

And in the end, whatever it takes. I always say if they graded on procrastination I would get an A+++++++. And that is also a motivator for me, when it gets down to the last minutes or hours before a test, I cram. This is, apparently, not good. We don’t retain as much. I am told it’s best to rest before tests – even for a day or two. Ahhh, what luxury.

Here are some other facts:
1. we retain 5% of what we read
2. we retain 10% of what we hear
3. we retain 50% of what we discuss in a group

I recommend studying with 1 or 2 other people whenever possible. This not only makes studying a lot more fun but it really does help with retention.

Good luck to everyone!!! Group hug.